That Does It

Yep. That does it. The Comic Curmudgeon or whatever his name is, has like a bazillion votes on the Hot Blogger Calendar. And Wil Wheaton? He’s a celebrity. He’s already in calendars. I’ve decided fuck it. I’m gonna make my own calendar at Cafepress. Motley is May. And I want all the hot gays in it. And Hilly. And Dave. And Karl. I want all the cool people who are so very beautiful to ME in it. The people who are not about the votes, but are about all the other things in life that are important.

I’m opening up my Photoshop as soon as I get home from work tonight. A 2009 Better Than Hot Blogger Calendar. Yeah. That’s it right THERE.

No chocolate pudding photo. I misunderstood Dave. When he said he wanted chocolate pudding and hot pirate wench photos… I thought he meant chocolate pudding photos and hot pirate wench photos. He just wants to eat pudding and look at hot wenches. Semantics. They’ll kill ya everytime. Or at least make it so that you put your foot in your mouth via Flickr photos.

Happy long weekend starts at 5 pm Friday!

Hot Blogger Pimpin’

Everyone is campaigning. Motley is too busy having a mini-social life at the moment to campaign for herself so I figured I’d pimp her a little. Also, no one is pimping the gays. C’mon people! The gays are beautiful! You’ve got Jester, UncleMonkeyBoy, Gooster, and Justin. (Perez Hilton can bite my left nut.) These people are among the most beautiful people in the world, physically, mentally, and beneath the ribcage, where it counts the most. I want you all to click over to the Hot Blogger Calendar and vote for a gay today!

In order to get to you to vote for Motley, I’m posting a pic of her. On her blog, I posted a pic of the back of her red corset. Here she is all glossied up in the corset before they went to the club. Isn’t she cute? I swear, if she gets more votes than Dooce (I’m not stupid enough to think that she’ll get in the calendar with all those Mommy Bloggers on there) I’ll get her to post her half nekkid ass again in a new pic. The last time she posted her half nekkid ass, her blog was burning up the internet with traffic. Not sure why, but the ass got better traffic than the double D’s.


One last note on this Hot Blogger Calendar thingy. If you don’t wanna vote for Motley, vote for Hilly. Hilly isn’t pimping for votes either. For that alone, she deserves votes. Please click here and go vote for one of these bloggers, even if you aren’t a blogger yourself. They are all worthy of your vote.

Knee update: The work pants kinda gave me a bit of a set back. They’re wool, they don’t breath and when my knee started to swell, they became binding, which led to more swelling all the way down to my foot. The last two days of the week I’m gonna wear blue knit track pants and a pair of Motley’s flats to the office (her feet are bigger than mine so there’s some room for swelling there.) No socks because I swear they were too tight on my swollen limb and just made everything worse. I think the change in clothing and footwear will help.

Also, my hip is a really pretty shade of blue and purple. Same hip I landed on when I fell outta the shower a few years ago. So far, I don’t see any blue and purple on my knees but they sure feel like they should be, and the swelling is just ugly. Three day weekend should be a big help. Thank you all for your kind wishes and helpful advice.

Tomorrow, either here or on Socially Dead, we’ll be posting some pics of Dave’s favorite food because he’s on a diet to help discover what foods he’s allergic to. Since I suffer from food allergies too, I feel really bad for him. He requested chocolate pudding, so one of us will post pudding for Dave. Motley may beat me to it because I’ve been researching how to make it scratch and sniff for him. No luck so far.

Happy Hobbling Thursday!

Tropical Monday

Is it Fall yet? Where’s the fog? The clouds? The temps in the 60s? Can you tell what my problem is? Yup. It’s my utility bills. An A/C unit that doesn’t work very well and sits at floor level in my DINING ROOM, plus fans equals a utility bill of $225. Usually the bill’s about $50, or at the very least under $100. This is just insane. On top of that, my gas bill is double too. I think the rates have jacked up, but you know they do that shit and never tell you cept in some tiny ass print some place I’d never find. If I had known the bills would be double and triple the usual cost I would have made provision for that last month, but I didn’t, so now money is tighter than Batman’s shirt.

Anyway, to help combat my misery at the continued humid swelter in my house, here is a Marcus photo guaranteed to make us feel the tropical breezes. I’m not gonna go the dream route again. The last time I did, I ended up with a thought about sand in my ass, which is not the stuff of fantasies.

Yeah, he could so be the poster boy for swimming is fun. Being a sucky ass swimmer myself, I would go to the pool if I could look at that all day.

So last week I started sucking down all the B vitamins, and I worked really hard at tuning out the crap TV that Motley has playing loudly in my bedroom while I’m trying to write. I also ignored the lure of my feed reader. On Monday, I got some work done for the Bar. Tuesday, I got my horse races done early. I missed Adam and Britt’s show because I was in an IM conference with the Bar writers. I did manage to make Karl’s inaugural Talk Shoe show. I got a lot posted at the Bar last week, and the story has now made a significant move forward.

I feel really good about the writing. However, it took me all day today, between Twitter and Yahoo, to get my feedreader cleared out. But I did! And I posted lots of comments! There were a lot of tough subjects covered by the people I read, but I threw my 2 cents into the ring whether it was a popular thing to say or not.

I added people to my Twitter and Facebook this weekend too. I was really glad to see The User Pool on Twitter. Jason X is a really amusing guy and if you know anything about the corporate world, you want to read his blog. You will laugh and laugh! I also added the Redneck Romance Writer. Jen is one of my favorite writers. In fact, I’d bought one of her books long before I ever read her blog. It was a Christmas story… and I loved it. The fact that she likes what I write is hugely flattering to me.

Before I go, I want to give a shout out to one of my favorite hotties. Justin has a very nice photo blog that you should check out at Piczar Photo. I asked for DaveLouis photos and he posted them before going to bed last night. Now, I think I’ll go play a few rounds of solitaire with my Blogography cards. I’ve been wanting to try them out, but I never seem to have the time.

Have a great Monday!

Is Annoyed a Color?

Before you read this, you might want to read Jester, Britt, and my post from yesterday including the comments. What’s written below pertains to all of these posts.

After yesterday’s soul baring post about my writing and self esteem, I have something that seems, on the surface, to go along with it nicely. I took this damned color test thingy because Jester did. I wondered if the color thing explained why Jester had been annoyed recently. Maybe it explains why I’ve been so moody lately. That would certainly be the answer for someone who believes in karma and fate and all that stuff. I don’t really happen to believe in supernatural explanations for the inexplicable, however.

At any rate, here’s the results of my Color Test.

ColorQuiz.com Winter took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!“Strives for a life rich in activity and experience…”

Click here to read the rest of the results.

I don’t think we can box any of us up as tidily as all of these quizzes do. No two of us are alike and the answers are too pat. Still, they are kinda fun and this one tied in nicely to yesterday’s post.

At Britt’s yesterday, she had people post the link(s) to posts they wrote that they liked best. Reading them was an adventure. I haven’t finished yet, but it was an amazingly creative thing to post. I liked the way it was interactive and how Britt herself went to read all the posts. It was one of those things that makes you smile about the community that is this blogging world.

I posted the link to my 10th Thursday Thirteen. It was 13 excerpts from The Bar that included a kiss. The reason it is my favorite post is because in the comments people told me how the kisses made them feel, and how they wanted to go kiss their S.O. Reaching people with my writing is important to me, whether it’s here or at The Bar. So on the day my self esteem was feeling bruised about my writing, Britt’s post made me think of that TT and how the readers felt after reading my writing.

I feel much better now. Vindicated in a sense. I loved all the comments I got on yesterday’s post, but Vixen was right in the end. I had to find the satisfaction within me. My satisfaction wasn’t in my writing, but was in the feelings my writing evoked in others. So thank you to Jester, Britt, the commenters on my blog yesterday, and everyone who commented on my Thursday Thirteen the Tenth. My self esteem is totally sending you all hugs right now!

Have a colorful Thursday!

Fry Daddy!

So yesterday I was grilled. Today, I have fired up the FryDaddy since I’m a little tired of BBQ.

My sizzling victim is Kevin of Always Home & Uncool. Kevin’s blog says that he is a work at home, Gen X dad who is rockin’ the ‘burbs. The cast of characters on his blog include My Love (his wife the executive), Thing 1 (his Hannah Montana wanna be daughter) and Thing 2 (his sweet and sour son), and Murphy’s Happy Recap (his faithful canine companion). Okay, I stole the words from his profile , but really, Kevin tells his story much better than I could.

I dug into his archives a little to prepare for the questions. I didn’t have to dig far to recognize that Kevin is not your average suburban dad. He’s just really not average at all. The man is sharp as a tack and more amusing than a lot of the humor bloggers out there.

As some people *cough* Nicholas *cough* know, I’m not a fan of fluffy blogs and blog posts. Some of the stay at home dad blogs I’ve seen are just as fluffy as the mommy bloggers who squee over Oprah and Rachael Ray. I cringed when I drew Kevin in the lotto that is Neil’s Great Interview Experiment. My cringing was for naught as you will see.

Without further BS on my part, here’s the interview, with my comments below each of Kevin’s responses.

1. Why did you decide to name your kids (on your blog) after characters from Dr. Seuss?

I’ve read “The Cat and the Hat” a few zillions times to my kids over the years and it just stuck in my head. They are at the age when playing and having fun are all that matter, and that’s a good place to be in life.

BTW, I’ve called them many other things in real life. But in the end, Fric and Frac was too easy; Harold and Maude, too weird.

Hmmn. I used to call Motley the PITA. Too easy and too weird in one fell swoop. Too bad it was also very true at times. HEH.

2. Do you think it’s hard to be a “Daddy Blogger” in a “Mommy Blogger” world?

I don’t like compartmentalizing us into Dads or Moms. We’re all parents. We have a common enemy. Unite, Servants to the Sippy Kid Crowd!

But honestly, it’s like being an ice cube in a sea of hot tea. I mean, how can I compete with the raw sexuality and rawer language offered up by the Oprah-fueled masses?

I’d never realized that the sippy cup crowd cursed and had raw sexuality. If that’s the case why didn’t they rip Karl’s clothes off of him this year at BlogHer? Maybe the raw sexuality is same sex in nature… after all, sex with another woman is a dangerous thing in a stay at home mom world, isn’t it? (Don’t shoot me for the cliche!)

3. C’mon… you can tell us… is My Love really the main bread winner in your family, or are you secretly the inventor of the Samurai Shark (or some other item that Billy Mays hawks on the tube)?

My father co-wrote the lyrics to “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Ole Oak Tree.” I live comfortably off the royalties. Tip of the hat to both Bush administrations!

Ahhh. Gotta love a man who can bash two Bushes with one shot!

4. Why do the new friends to your blog only have nachos and mozzarella sticks to choose from? Shouldn’t there be a nutritious choice like zucchini sticks?

If you insist, I can nuke some spinach nuggets in a pinch. You like Cheez Whiz on yours?

Meh. I’ll pass on spinach nuggets and Cheez Whiz. I’m more of a hot wing kinda girl.

5. This is a twofer: What made you start blogging and how did you decide to become a humor blogger? (Don’t say it’s cause you think Diesel is funny either. That’s a cop out answer, even if it’s true that he is funny. Heh heh.)

My credit card was canceled because of delinquent charges for too many, um, online services, so I needed to find something else to get my creative juices flowing between freelance gigs. I did corporate communications for a very conservative Fortune 500 company for almost 10 years, so I needed a lot of practice to relearn how to write something besides “ours is a culture of continuous improvement and, by managing talent effectively and exceeding the expectations we set for our customers, we can increase EBITA by adding value for our stakeholders through cause marketing that redirects discretionary spending as we bounce along the bottom of this down cycle.”

I became a humor blogger because I have no real insight or wisdom to provide anyone on anything in particular. Kinda like Dr. Phil.

I work in Accounting. I know EBITA and EBITDA. (Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, Depreciation, and Amortization) I like a man who can work that into a sentence.

6. What’s your favorite beer and why?

What is this – “Sophie’s Choice”? It all depends on the situation, the place, my mood, the company, etc. For sheer beer pleasure, Young’s Double Chocolate Stout is incredible. It’s a beer. It’s a dessert. It’s a floor wax. For everyday quaffing, I like to pick up the Saranac Trail Mix 12-pack so I can choose one to suit the situation. Yuengling makes a great beach beer. Most of the Red Hook beers — ESB, Pale Ale, IPA — are excellent. Sam Adams’ products are uniformly fine, except for the bizarre cranberry beer they push at the holidays. They briefly made a Hazelnut Brown Ale in the late ’90s that I thought was really special. God … I’m welling with nostalgia …

I’m sitting here stacking up Kevin’s choices against Rott’s Beer Fridge... Two thumbs up on the Young’s Stout. Red Hook ESB isn’t bad. Rott agrees with the Sam pronouncement… and wonders why Kevin hasn’t tried Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, which only comes out in the winter?

7. If Thing 1, Thing 2 and My Love all went on a trip somewhere for 5 days, leaving you alone to take a solo mini-vacay, where would you go and what would you do?

Depends on the time of the year. Spring, I’d go to Florida and do the spring training baseball circuit. Summer, I’d take a tour of Major League Baseball stadiums. Autumn — me and the dog would go hiking the New England hills. Wintertime … I’d fly to London and visit all the pubs serving Real Ale that I could.

Not being a fan of baseball or hiking, I applaud the booze hound in Kevin and concur that a trip to London to drink ale would be awesome!

8. What mainstream movie do find incredibly arousing?

“The Princess Diaries 2.” Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows send tingles to all the good parts.

I like her boobs better.

9. What’s your favorite music/songs to play during sex or a romantic evening?

“(I Wanna Be Your) Alpha Male” by Steve Burns to send the proper signals (it’s all in the “boom-shucka-lucka). “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” by The Offspring for the bump ‘n’ grind. “Godzilla” by Blue Oyster Cult for the cuddling afterward. Also, you can never go wrong with the entire “Liquored Up & Lacquered Down” CD by Southern Culture on the Skids.

Anyone who likes BOC and the Offspring is A-OK by me!

10. I like to retell my dreams on my blog if they are either especially vivid or about other bloggers. Tell me your most interesting blog-related fantasy, daydream or real dream/nightmare.

People read my blog then promptly subscribe to me and unsubscribe to dooce because, while I am not a Wii-distributing pioneer, I am far more interesting and relevant to their lives.

Why do I feel like Kevin has read Avitable’s blog?

And there you have it. Kevin of Always Home and Uncool. Because this is Tuesday, and in honor of Kevin, I’m closing with a tune I’m sure you all will enjoy. In my case, it brings back memories of KNAC.com and one of the chat roomies named Kyuss who used to monitor bang to this song. Also, I think this was recorded when Ron Welty was with the band. My readers may recall me saying that I met him at my company’s Christmas party last year. Here it is… the Offspring!

Pretty Fly For a White Guy

Now, go check out Kevin’s blog and have a happy ale drinking, Offspring monitor banging Tuesday!