Blogging in Desperation

I did. Over HERE. Please read, retweet and all that other bloggy goodness. I need help. Can’t sleep and I’m falling apart here… How the hell did my life turn to shit so quickly? Was it always shit and I never noticed? I can’t believe that…

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Topsy Turvy

My life is like a circus and everything is all topsy turvy and weird. I don’t know what’s going to happen in my relationship. Certainly, my gut is speaking loudly in negative terms which makes it difficult to be positive. I still have not been able to shed a tear which somehow makes dealing with things more difficult. Usually, if I can spout a few tears, I feel more at ease and more able to cope. Unfortunately, the only times I’ve actually felt like the tears could come out, is when I’ve been at work.  That makes it an automatic blink them back, swallow them, choke them, hold them at bay no matter the cost! It also means I’m sorta fucked.

I couldn’t gather my wits about me quick enough this morning to post a Marcus but it’s still Monday so I’m doing better than last week anyway.  So here’s the closest to a circus Marcus we’re gonna get.

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Damn. Those are the nicest abs and pecs and biceps ever. Yum-mo!

One last note before I go… I’ve got a release date for Mating. It’s one of two stories about werewolf twins who find their mates suddenly. Runaways is still in the editing process but it should be done soon. Mating will be out June 16 at Freya’s Bowers. It’s a short story about 8K words so it won’t harm your wallet.

Wishing you all a less turmoil filled Monday than I’m having!

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You Are the Sunlight

The sun sometimes does shine out of people’s asses. Or their green eyes. How do you put away nearly 11 years of your life in a neat little box as if it were just a stack of photos and mementos? I need to learn this in case what appears to be inevitable occurs. I can’t armor myself either. There is nothing that can withstand a nuclear blast. And I’m no cockroach.

I thought about posting Comfortably Numb but I’m not comfortable. Not sure how long it will be before I am once more. But I like this song. It’s very me right now if you just take the S off of she.

She Is The Sunlight – Trading Yesterday

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Worst Weekend Ever

You know how you can have high hopes and everything is gorgeous and wonderful and suddenly… it’s just all gone? Yeah. Welcome to my fucking life.

My father was a veteran of WWII. In a war zone. This isn’t about the Pacific or even WWII, but I love the sentiment. Marcus will back next week. Even he doesn’t make me happy today.

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

Hopefully, you spent a few moments today honoring those who fought for the freedoms we take so much for granted. Really, don’t take anything for granted. The smallest thing can upset the apple cart of your life and take away that which you love most.  At least, no one can take your memories.

Hug your family today.  If you don’t feel like it, do it anyway. For me, ‘kay?

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Ashes

I remember Jester talking on Twitter about reconnecting with people from his past on Facebook.  I haven’t done much with Facebook but recently,  I was talking on a Yahoo group about what inspired my story Silver Lining that will be out in July and I thought of a way to try to reconnect with some people from my past.  It worked and I connected with a guy I’d known more than 20 years ago. He was best friends with a guy I’d been seeing.

Now, for those of you who don’t know or don’t remember me talking about Silver Lining, what spurred this story was the fact that I’d been daydreaming of what it would be like to find this guy online by happenstance. So I wrote the story of a woman who left a man she loved because she couldn’t handle the age difference.  The man let her go and always regretted that he hadn’t fought to keep her. Fifteen years later they meet online, only they don’t actually realize who they are until they meet face to face and their past relationship – one that neither of them forgot – is rekindled.

It’s a romantic and erotic story filled with yearning and pain and renewed hope. Nothing like the reality of my life I assure you! *wink* At any rate, one of the authors on the group thought I should find the man from my past and I told her nah, don’t think so. I’m happy where I am and with who I’m with.  She insisted that maybe he still thought about me too. I told her he was probably married with a bunch of kids and that his wife probably wouldn’t like it if he sat around thinking about ME! LOL She let it go. But only a handful of hours later I got a notice from Facebook that I had an email from the guy who’d been his best friend. In that email, Sid said he’d heard Paul was a meth addict now.

Okay, aside from the fact that it totally shattered my vision of Paul’s life, that news made me incredibly sad. And I wondered if his descent into that hell was in any way something that happened because of what had happened to us. Not that what had happened was my fault. I didn’t feel guilty but I did wonder.  So all the little daydreams I’d had became ashes with that email. I know what meth addicts are like and I wonder how much of my Paul is still left inside him. And… I’m just sad that his life turned out that way.  Still, my Silver Lining dream was a nice one and it fueled the story which is still one of my favorite things that I’ve written.

Funny how odd life can be that Sid popped up right after Lisa told me I should look for Paul.  Very karmic.

So now, how about a nice Marcus to round out my Monday rambles? The posed stuff is awesome but I still like the Marcus candids best.

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Wishing you a happy hot Marcus Monday!

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