Old and New

In IT news… the damn board still isn’t moved. I keep getting errors. I need the SQL database god to come and snap his fingers and make it all magically move to where it’s supposed to go. I’m paying hosting on a site that isn’t up because I can’t move the damn thing. I may have to pay someone to do this. You’re wondering what this has to do with my title, aren’t ya? I’m trying to move an OLD message board to a NEW domain and hosting company. But the fucker isn’t cooperating. Or I’m just not smart enough to do this.

Moving on to other more pleasant subjects… My eyes are old. Officially that is. Yes, the doc gave me NEW reading glasses. Normally, the OLD part woulda depressed me. However, I was just happy to see clearly again and stop suffering from extreme exhaustion and major headaches. Anything within reach of my arms is a little out of focus for me now. Over the counter glasses from Walgreens helped, but I started feeling sick all the time especially the more I wore them. Turns out one eye is worse than the other so my prescription glasses address that and the lenses are different not the same. I worked all weekend on edits and Ride the Lightning and wow! What a difference!

On a side note about Ride the Lightning, there’s a character named Dave in this book. He’s a Dom who runs a BDSM club called Far From Heaven. He’s also Magia, one of the magical community in the Darkworld, so basically… he’s a wizard. He bears a superficial resemblance to my favorite Dave, but has no monkey sidekick. Maybe I should change that. I mean, every wizard has a familiar right? The book is starting to pick up speed and Vahid is now determined to save his self-destructive mate Emily. I’ll have to post a snippet when I’m a little deeper into the story.

Something happened recently and I didn’t blog about it in part because I usually don’t delve into my past a whole lot here. Anyway, more than twenty years ago, when I was pregnant with Motley, someone showed me what it means to truly be a friend. Kim Williams is ten years younger than me, but the woman has a heart of gold. I spent my pregnancy sick, broke, depressed, upset, freaked out, and just about any other emotion you could name. I literally had nothing. And I was so sick I ended up in the hospital the last six weeks of my pregnancy. It was one of the worst times of my life. I thought I was gonna die.

Through it all Kim was there. She took me to the doctor. She organized all her friends and my friends and took donations. She had the guys paint the used crib my roommate found at a yard sale. I mean, it was amazing. It went far beyond her making me eat and nagging me to take my vitamins. Just remembering what she did brings tears to my eyes. I felt so incredibly alone during that period and she made a major effort to show me that I wasn’t. There are very few people from my past that I love and admire more than Kim.

Sadly, we lost touch over the years. Mostly since I came to Southern California and more so when I moved to Orange County. My life with Rott has had a lot of ups and downs. Dealing with it on a daily basis didn’t leave much left over for anything else. A couple weeks ago Kim’s high school had a reunion. Somehow, and I sorta forget how, I had an old friend of hers on my Facebook. At the reunion, friends talked Kim into getting on Facebook and that is how we found each other again. I saw the notice of the reunion photos on her friend’s account and went to look at the photos. And there she was. Looking a lot like her mom these days but still with the long beautiful blonde hair and big eyes I remembered.

I don’t think I can find the words to say what it meant to me to find her again. I’m a sucky ass correspondent. I don’t write. I don’t call. Hell, lately since Rott’s been home, I don’t even Twitter and I miss it a lot but there are just not enough hours in the day at the moment. Something I’m hoping to rectify soon so I can have a better balance with things and have some time to enjoy chatting with friends and blogging more about the weird shit in my life.

At any rate, I’m a bonehead about keeping in touch with people I care about especially when I’m under pressure. I missed Karl’s birthday. Haven’t called Hilly like I promised. Keep forgetting to send Dave his prize… but I’m trying to make a more conscious effort to not let friendships – old and new – fall by the wayside. Finding Kim again is an important milestone. I really can’t afford to lose more people in my life. If you want to see the woman who singlehandedly kept me together and made it possible for Motley to be here today, you’ll find her on my Facebook. Kim Williams-Potts. One of my oldest, and even though I might not show it putz that I am, dearest, dearest friends.

So now for some Marcus. I need some this Monday. It’s month end at work and payroll so I’ve got tons of work to do and while I love my job, I hate being in the pressure cooker. I really need a Marcus to ease the stress.


That goofy little smile makes me laugh. Laughter is good for the soul I hear. So all of you have a chuckle at the expense of Marcus’ goofy smile and make your soul feel better. Have a great Monday!


Take Away

Last week I talked about how you can’t really make up time. I should know. I never have enough time. And since I never have enough time for things I enjoy, I’ve decided that some things have to go.

The structure of my life changed when Rott came home. I’d gotten used to the structure of life without his daily presence. Now, I have to get used to what it’s like for us to be three again. The adjustment has had – and still has – moments that are good and moments that are bad. I’ve grown to hate the feeling of fear. I don’t like the unknown and I like it even less when it scares me.

But in order to bring about a better adjustment to my new life that is sorta like my old life, but not exactly, I decided I needed to take away some of the many things I do to fill my time. So I quit my submissions editor job. By the end of this month, no more reading subs. I hate to let down the publisher, but this structure change in my life isn’t very smooth and a lack of time is why.

Next up is realigning all the websites and forums, consolidating them all at the same hosting company, but splitting off the forums that I shouldn’t be the sole-caretaker of. I’ve already shifted RottNRoll back to Rott and moved my graphics work to winterheart.com. It’s actually nice to have a true purpose for winterheart.com since it’s my oldest domain.

Once all the changes are in place – something I hope to have done by December – I should be able to hand off duties better. Then I can start scheduling my time so that I’m not pressed 24/7 by things. Now, if only I could stop joining in on writing projects that sound really cool… I’d have a lot more time on my hands!

I’m going to need to go on a search for new Marcus photos. I haven’t done that for awhile and I need some fresh stuff.  Anyway, here’s one from my stash. I have to admit, looking at him first thing Monday morning does do my soul good. *sigh*


Hope you have a great Monday!


Himself Didn’t Work

Remember when people were retweeting Neil Gaiman’s call for people to help me find homes for the kittehs? Remember how so many people emailed and said they would take them? Do you know how many of those people actually did what they said they would do? None of them. Well, one person who said she would take one, ended up not being able to, but yanno… she found someone else who would. An author from Lyrical Press came and adopted the only female.

So all of that frenzy was pretty much for naught and makes me wonder if those people just said those things thinking the great Neilhimself would notice them. I’m still left with my life falling apart and pain in indescribable places and the babies still need homes. Oh, they are fixed and have had shots now though.

Nicki’s cat Neko will not be coming home from the foster care home because the vet discovered she has a heart condition that will require expensive medication and treatment. I can’t afford that. I don’t even have a car that works at the moment and I have DH who is looking for a way to not live with or be with me anymore.

I have an ad on Craigslist in the hope that the smallest of the babies will all find homes. I’m afraid to give them all up because then the DH will still leave and I will have nothing. Having nothing to look forward to is a very desolate feeling. I’m pathetic enough to wish to work things out with him. When he says he cannot live like this and he’s going to leave because of it, I just want to throw up and pains begin in various parts of my body. I’ve swallowed some Tylenols so hopefully the physical pains will dull soon.

As for my heart… I think it’s done. Three times I let a man have it and two times it’s been tossed back. Third time doesn’t look like it’s a charm. I really think he’s just gonna stomp all over it and walk away as if the last ten years was ten minutes. When people stop talking to you and tell you they don’t want to talk about it, that’s a pretty significant thing.

So aside from being an emotional zombie who doesn’t know how to do anything except sit and let the hot tears wash down her face, I still need homes for some of the babies. Last time the mobilization got me all jacked up on hope and got one kitten a home. Can it be done again? This time to save my sanity or my life (since my blood pressure is about as high as strokesville.) You tell me.

Am I wasting my breath again? Maybe I should just open the door and push them all out… cats, the DH, the lazy kid. Or maybe I should just quietly get the car fixed, toss some stuff in the trunk, pick up my netbook and walk away from all of them. That seems really irresponsible of me. I’m not usually the type you can’t rely on to see things through, but I’m tired of the lip service from everyone starting with my daughter, the man I’ve been with for ten years, and all those people on here who promised to help me but couldn’t be bothered to return an email. Am I the only person out here with ethics and a heart? Is that why everyone stomps on me? Is that why I feel so miserable that I’m gonna have to run to the sink and yak as soon as I post this?

For years I’ve been responsible for others. I’m still responsible for them, sacrificing for them. And I don’t feel appreciated in the least. Now, I’ve strangers treating me the same way with their empty promises of assistance. Am I wrong to want someone to be straight up with me and just help me without asking for or expecting anything in return or reneging? And those people I would like something from – my kid, my DH – why is it that they care only for their own feelings and nothing for mine? Am I just something they use like a utensil or a car? I’m convenient and acquiescent I guess. Perfect for giving lip service to.

If you know someone who could help find the kittehs homes, please repost and retweet the Craigslist link. I really do need homes for them before they end up in the street. I have a feeling that is where I am headed here soon because I just do not see a HEA up ahead.


Cruising & Guesting

I know I’ve been MIA. I’m sorry. The power supply went out on my desktop and apparently it had been shorting out for awhile unnoticed. It tweaked a lot of stuff on its way out and I ended up having to reformat my hard drive AGAIN. This has been the 3rd time in 2 years. I’m so not happy. I do have Mozy backups of stuff so I mostly didn’t lose things, but I’m having issues restoring my email and I think I’ve lost it all which is really a serious thing because I’ve got fulls and partials of submissions for Freya’s Bower and Wild Child Publishing there.

I need some kind of new system with email I think. Or I need to reassess how I’m doing my Mozy backups. I should have been able to restore the folders and emails. No dice so far. Anyone who is good with Outlook (an old version) care to try? I could use the help. I’m at wits end here.

Anyway, I’m not really here today. I’m guest blogging at my pal Selena’s talking about length. Click the link and come by. You’re more than welcome to disagree with me about length. Hee hee.

Selena Illyria’s Blog

Rott and I went on a late night run for Mexican food last night. Ahh. Cruising in the SUV. Ten pm on a Saturday night, the county is clogged with traffic because the fair is going on. We went all the way to Alberto’s in Fountain Valley and found… a line out the parking lot onto the street. Seems Alberto’s is very popular late on a Saturday night. Rott got a little turned around going home. I can’t say I blame him. I never go there so I didn’t think he was doing wrong either. We weren’t lost or anything. We just took the wrong freeway exit – south instead of north.

I gotta say, I wasn’t all that unhappy with the wrong turn despite the fact that it frazzled Rott’s nerves. (He doesn’t like to do stuff wrong. And like me, he never gets lost. So the wrong exit thing kinda upset him.) The wrong turn meant we got to drive longer. For me it had a twofold plus, one I got to spend more time with Rott. I love watching him drive. Always have. I love his hands and forearms so watching him steer and shift has always been a secret pleasure of mine.

The second thing that was cool was getting to ride in the truck. It’s a really nice SUV. Infiniti Q45. It’s not a stick so no shifting like in his Prelude, but it’s a seriously nice ride. He was finding it to be a pain in the ass because he couldn’t just zip around the freeway and change lanes like he used to. It bothered him that the blind spot was so huge and you have to rely on your mirrors a lot more and be more cautious changing lanes. It’s an adjustment and last night it added to his frazzled nerves. Still, for me anyway, it was a nice outing. Upped my hope level that maybe things can be worked out.

Hopefully, I can find my Marcus photos and get a Monday Marcus up. At the very least, he’ll back the following week. I think I know where the images are. Meanwhile, have a great Sunday!


Valentine’s OD

My Valentine is away. Not that we ever were much for Valentine’s Day. I miss him, but it’s not like I would have gotten roses or chocolates anyway. We prefer to spend our money on more meaningful things than something that’s gone in a week. I got him a wheel with pedals for his PC racing game one year. He built me a new computer one Valentine’s Day about 5 years ago. (The one I’m using now, I built myself in September.) Rott doesn’t like to waste money on a gift that doesn’t keep giving in some way and I don’t blame him. The one year I had his car detailed he about had a cow. He said he coulda done a better job on his own with Windex and the hose. So no more wasteful Valentine’s gifts for us. Instead, we do little things that remind each other we care. Like wearing a black thong and giving him a six pack of his favorite beer (Boddington’s or Guinness Extra Stout). That gets his attention. LOL

This year even though we’re apart I’m wearing a pink bra and the satin Valentine panties, as if he were here. (That’s what I put on my butt today. It’s such a close up it doesn’t look like panties.) It’s the thought that counts right? I’m not sure if he’ll get a chance to call, but if he does it would be nice. Otherwise, we’ll say all the mushy stuff the next time he calls.

I did get some Valentine’s dark chocolate at the office. We had an employee lunch for exceeding our safety goal last year. The food was meh, but the candy was the shit! Dove darks are yummy. Only See’s dark chocolate covered caramels are better. No flowers for me, but that’s okay. I got my kid a bud vase with a few red carnations. She’s depressed because Invincible Morrison is far away in Bakersfield. Po thang. They’ve been together more than a year now and the separation since he moved has been rough on them. Luckily, T-Mobile allows them to stay in constant touch via text messaging, IM, and regular phone calls.

So be nice to your Valentine today, but don’t overdo it. It’s better to remember why you care about each other than spend money on crap that looks good today but doesn’t last. Giving someone a symbol that has no longevity doesn’t bode well for your future with that person, now does it? Happy Hearts Day everyone!