What You Wish For

Today, I have a Tuesday Tune and then I’m gonna get all personal on you.

When people ask me what my favorite Christmas song is, I usually offer up the old carols. The songs I sang in accapella choir. The Boar’s Head Carol, the Coventry Carol, the Holly & the Ivy, Carol of the Bells… you know the stuff. The very old non-commercial stuff. I could tell you all about the Coventry Carol and Lady Godiva and some other stuff, but MEH. No one cares anymore. Everyone likes modern music. Madonna doing Santa Baby. That Mariah Carey song. Aaron Neville.

Don’t get me wrong. I like some of ’em too. Bing Crosby and David Bowie doing the Little Drummer Boy. But the truth of the matter is that in some ways I am a child of the 80’s still. The band that rose to such huge prominence and to this day retains as much respect for their politics as their music holds a place in my heart with their Christmas song.

Last year, I cried for hours. I just wanted Rott. I was so lonely without him. I was worried about him too up in the Sierras in the cold. I wanted things to be like they used to be. Of course, stupid me was thinking back several years instead of just one or two years. Our first Christmas together in Huntington Beach.  The year we were homeless and he brought a tree to the motel on Christmas Eve. I missed just holding him and having him hold me. Last year felt so much like my first Christmas without my parents that I got a little drunk. Couldn’t take the pain.

This year he’s home and all the joy and love that I thought would be there isn’t. It’s been replaced by wariness, caution, fear, trust issues, and a host of the most painful emotions I’ve ever experienced. I’m beset with loss and the man is right there. Things may not be hopeless but at the moment my limboland is painful and painfully barren. I’m not alone like last year, but the loss of so many of my hopes has left me feeling raw and even more lonely than I was last year.

I laughed at myself a few days ago about getting what you wish for. All I could wish for last year was to have him home with me where I knew he was safe and where I could show him that I loved him. This year… I know he’s safe at least. And when he smiles, I can see it. And I know that all this churning emotion at least tells me that I am still alive inside this shell.

And even if we can’t yet cross the chasm between us, and may never be able to, I have those places I can go to in my heart where I can still feel the heat of those memories we made together.  In my mind, Christmas will always be about that night we struggled to decorate a tree that filled a little room and how we laid together in the dark, holding hands, listening to midnight mass on the TV as the lights blinked on that dried out tree.

Sometimes, the best Christmas’s are the ones in your heart.

Whew!

I’m done. With Ride the Lightning. Sent it off to my publisher last night. Yeah, there’s edits to be done (I used the phrase “like X spilling through a window” three effing times! You’d think I would have a better grasp of the English language, wouldn’t ya?), but I’m a good girl and spin through the edits pretty quickly. RTL will be out December 3.

With RTL Dave2 makes his literary debut, following in the footsteps of Karl (Karl with a K), Gooster (Corey Green), Marty (the Fairy Godfather), and Vahid who is the star of RTL. In this book, Dave2 is David Forrester, a powerful Magia (wizard) who runs a BDSM club called Far From Heaven. Dave is the best friend of the heroine, so he spends the length of the book wanting to kick Vahid’s ass. Unfortunately for Dave, Vahid is the one who gets to have all the sex in the book. In a gazebo, against the wall, in a bed, on the floor, in a shower, in a hay field (in shifted form), and in a BDSM dungeon.

Note for Jennifer Leeland: I think the wall sex scene in this one is hotter than the one in Hot Water.

Not as much humor in this book as there has been in previous books. Oh there’s a touch or two and there is my trademark of a running gag of some kind. In Hot Water, it was Eden’s pretty pink pussy. In Fire Season, it was Garret being a bean counter. In RTL, it’s the fact that Emily loves meat – steak mostly.

Now that I’m done with the novel (it’s longer than Fire Season) it’s time to move on to Christmas. I’ve got three holiday short stories to crank out, one of which will be FREE. I love that word.

On the personal front, I’ve been battling my damn arthritis and I think I’m starting to have hip issues. It sucks majorly. I’ve been able to manage my pain pretty well without having to suck down a lot of meds which are bad for my liver and stomach. Lately though, I’ve been eating Tylenol for dinner. Never a good thing.  Gonna have to put my thinking cap on and figure out how to better manage the pain. I don’t like sucking down meds.

For those of you who know Motley (aka Nikki), I’m not sure if I mentioned it but she and Tyler (her boyfriend of three years and her first real love) have broken up.  It wasn’t a bad breakup in the sense that they hate each other and all that shit, but it was a horrible breakup nonetheless. Distance did them in. He lives in Bakersfield now and we live in Orange County and the distance thing just doesn’t work. I think they were both heartbroken, but they just aren’t in the same place in their lives either.

Motley’s kind of lost these days and all she really does is draw on her tablet and play WoW. I figure she’ll come out of her tailspin eventually. We all did when we lost our first love. It’s hard to watch from the Mom-sidelines though, especially when I catch her crying.

As for me, things are… okay. Not great. Not bad. But okay. Bearable. Liveable.  Communication would make things better I think, but there’s a small percentage of me that says it wouldn’t, that it would blow everything the hell up, and that keeps me from pushing the issue. The little devil’s advocate inside me pokes me with his pitchfork and says, “But wouldn’t you rather KNOW?” while my brain tells him, “Fuck off. Half a loaf is better than none asshole.” So that’s where I am. Loverly, ain’t it?

So now I’m down to needing a very pretty Marcus this Monday. I picked four winners at the Breeder’s Cup this weekend (Goldikova, Conduit, Dancing with Silks, and Zenyatta) so between that and finishing Ride the Lighting, I feel like a bit of a celebration.

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Isn’t that purdy? *sigh* Almost has a John Stamos look to him. Cept that Marcus has more muscle. HEH. Alrighty, I’m off to work. You all have yourselves a great Monday! MUAH!

wintersig

Paranormal Party

Those of you who came around my blog last year may have noticed that I didn’t put on my Halloween costume this year. Last year I had a grayscale version of this template with red blood dripping fonts.  I’m not sure why I decided against putting it on this year. It requires a tweak or two of the CSS and it’s nothing I can’t do but I just didn’t feel like doing it. Might have something to do with the fact that I don’t feel like having a birthday this year.

Yes, those of you new to my blog may not know that Halloween is my birthday. Paired with working at the cemetery and writing paranormal creatures like vampires and ghosts, you can imagine the raised eyebrows I get. At any rate, despite the goodies I’ve already received for my birthday (I’ll get to that in a moment) I’m just not feeling it this year. And no, I’m not telling you what number it is either.

Love-Me-Dead-200Yesterday was Gay Day at Ethan Day’s Yahoo group and I received a little pressie during the party. Love Me Dead released at MLR Press. So, now you can buy my ghost story. Just in time for Halloween. Or you can head over to lexvalentine.com and click on the News page for info on my birthday contests and maybe you will win a copy or win an autographed copy of Fire Season or the Tales print book.

With Halloween only a few days away lots of Yahoo groups are having Halloween parties. Paranormal parties are always kinda fun cause all the book excerpts are vampires, werewolves, ghosts, and other paranormal creatures.  And then there are all the cemetery and dead related jokes. You know the ghost crying ones, Booooo hoooooo! *eye roll* I’m gonna do a few cause I have this new release and I wanna pimp Fire Season in print too.  But other than some promo, I’m not doing any paranormal birthday party. Nope. No birthday this year despite being offered the chance to see Alice Cooper on Saturday. I just am not in a birthday mood.

Currently, I’m still plugging away at Ride the Lightning, which is an intense and sad story. No throbbing vampire cock here. It’s all dragon. I think I’m even gonna have em mate in dragon form. Just as a twist to the other books where the dragon-ish stuff was kinda limited. Once Lightning is done, I’ve got some Christmas stuff to write. One’s a freebie so you’ll all get your shot at it.

On the home front, things have been a bit better. I hate to talk about for fear I’ll jinx it.  Usually, my life in the personal arena is one step forward and two steps back.  At the moment, it’s baby steps. Really tiny ones.  I can’t even say I’m cautiously optimistic at this point.  It’s just better this week than last week.

Now, it’s time for my favorite part of any week, a Marcus! Oh, yum! You can click on this. It gets bigger. Heh.

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I hope you all have a great paranormal party aka Halloween. Have a drink or three for me in honor of my birthday that I don’t feel like having wouldja? *wink* Happy Monday!

wintersig