The Long Goodbye

Do you remember when you were 20 or so and everything you felt seemed so overwhelming, larger than life, and never ending? I remember those days. OMG. I was such a drama queen. Not so much overtly as in my head.

Those days were brought back to me this weekend when Nikki (Motley) broke up with her boyfriend.  This is the boyfriend everyone had reservations about because he was possessive (and talking about getting married and having kids when neither of them even has a job) and did controlling things like yell at her demanding she hang up if she was on the phone with me and we were disagreeing. I mean, I heard his tone of voice, it bothered me. I’m not into guys who want to control me and tell me what to do so it bothers me when someone treats my kid that way.

My co-workers and Rott all had the same impression of his behavior…stalker in the making.  So their relationship gave me more than a few qualms. Well, about a month ago she moved back home (she’d been staying with him out in Corona) and we breathed a sigh of relief. Then this weekend she broke up with him.

I didn’t much in the way of details but basically, they broke up and agreed to be friends and he told her he’d still take her to school on Monday. Well, she went out with friends that night, and being a single girl again, she messed around a little with a guy she’s known since high school. The next day, the brand new ex wants to talk.

So Nikki goes out with him to have yet another discussion about their relationship. She came home and didn’t really want to talk about it. She said enough though. He’s not taking her to school (I am) and he laid on the big emotional scene apparently.  She’s hurt him so badly. She’s worthless. He should be dead. Drama. Drama. Drama.

Ahhh, I remember those days! Every break up was a long goodbye. It was all woe is me, I’ll never feel like this again. You’ve broken my heart so badly I might as well be dead. Emo to the nth degree.

I’m not knocking the guy for feeling like that, I just don’t like it that he tried to make her feel bad about herself. (Although, Rott thinks that’s just part and parcel of the whole controlling thing-I wanna be an abuser when I grow up.) I tried to remember back to those drama days of my late teens-early 20’s to see if I could remember ever trying to make David (from Bella Daddy) feel bad for breaking up with me. I decided that I don’t think I did. I think I liked him too much as a friend to do that. (The other guy I was with back then didn’t dump me. I dumped him pretty much.)

Anyway, Nikki’s single again and even though Rott is looking over his shoulder wondering if the guy lost it and went to get a gun, I think that other than maybe some Facebook slamming and pissy texts from him, it’s probably all over with. Mama don’t let your babies grow up to date stalkers… I know that’s mean of me. It’s not like the guy ever hit her. Least, not that I know of. If he had, he’d probably be wearing a bullet hole between his eyes. Damn. I haven’t lost that flair for drama after all, have I? 😉

Today’s Marcus is a new one. Pretty and shiny and oh, so yummeh!

BTW, I just discovered my comment above about FB is true. LOL Have a great drama-less Monday everyone!

The Thing About Love

Later this week, on the 7th, I’ll be over at Cindy Jacks’s blog talking about love.  It’s February, so people tend to wanna talk about those tender emotions.  I write about them all the time because my books and stories always have a happy ending.  I’m the kind of person who has to have a HEA (happily ever after.) Or some sort of happy ending at any rate. I don’t want to read about the angst without having it all work itself out, handing the hero and heroine a reward.

In real life, things don’t always work out that way. In my life, the angst has always outweighed the HEA. I think some of us are meant to have to struggle. Very little in my life has come easy, ergo I learned to appreciate the hard won victories.  Things mean more to me if I have to work for it. I tend to hang on to people as long as I can, try to work out issues, try to give them what they need and want, try to keep and nurture the love I have. But sometimes, no matter how hard you work, love still slips away. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life so I prize the ones I have right now. I know that our hearts seem to be the regenerative type, and if we lose someone today, later on we’ll find someone else to love. Still, I’d rather not have go through that again. I just want this HEA to work itself out NOW.

Someone I’ve known and loved since I was 17 years old (I’m not sure I should tell you how many years that is… but it’s more than thirty LOL) did a nice thing this week. He told the readers of his blog about me and sent them here. I think most of his audience are mommy bloggers, which I’m so not. After all, Motley (Nikki) is twenty now and I don’t think she ever called me Mommy anyway. *wink*

Anyway, David told people about me in a little post that exposes some of the framework upon which my heart sits. It felt strangely timely to read his words about my past and feel the connection to my present. You should click THIS and hop on over to see what he said. He was probably my first real love, first real lover, odd as that may seem since he’s decidedly gay. But back then we were just kids, beginning to work our way out of the teens, learning about emotions and sex and a host of other stuff we just really had no clue about. The piece of my heart that David owns is just one of those things about love that we can’t exactly quantify. It just IS.

I must need a sweet, sexy Marcus today. Something to make my old heart pound.  I used to think about my Bar characters a lot more than I do now and thinking about my signature character Alexandria and her mate Alaric always meant that I had that image of Marcus in my head. I miss Lex so I think maybe I need to a write a post about her. After all, she lets me use her name on my books, the least I could do is visit her once in awhile, eh? So here’s my Marcus for today, all sexy and smokey-eyed.

Don’t forget to come by Cindy’s on February 7th to see what I have to say about that thing called Love.  Also, don’t forget that Marty and I have a new release filled with spooky stories. You can pick up Weirdly 3 at Wild Child Publishing.

One last thing… go give my pal Tess some love. Her book Latin Rhythm is scheduled for release on the 4th but the buy link is live NOW. Her cover is probably the best cover I’ve ever done.

Wishing you all a very wonderful Monday!

Ahem

Well, Blog Reader Appreciation week is over. No one sent me their snail mail addy for bookmarks! *gasp* Okay, so I guess that wasn’t the best pressie. Anyway, Motley (Nikki) will be asking Louie Licker for some assistance tonight and they will draw the winners of each item. I’ll post them Tuesday or Wednesday.  I sincerely appreciate all of you who participated!

Now, on for some Monday YUM. I joined a new Yahoo group yesterday and they were a lot of fun. But I woke up to find apologies all over the group because someone had been offended. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what had been offensive. I’m pretty open when it comes to sex talk and giving information about stuff I’ve done. I mean, c’mon, most of the kinky stuff I’ve done is long in the past anyway.  I’m a tad on the settled down side with Rott now.  (I’m still awaiting the return of PornFest.)

However, on my blogroll is a man I’ve had sex with and known for the better part of my life. He would tell you we had sex. I might tell you more about it than he would, but I think I know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t be offended. He’s one of the most handsome, intelligent men I know… and he’s gay. Ooooh. I had sex with a gay dude. How kinky. *eye roll* (Stop laughing, David. I KNOW you’re laughing!)

So, did I just hit you with TMI? Are you running for your feed reader to dump me? Well, I hope not because it’s Marcus time. And really, my point was that the threshold is in different places for different people.  Like Popeye, I yam what I yam. If I offend you, there’s always the delete button in your feed reader. And I’m so TMI. If you’re new here, best to understand that right up front.  Now, here’s a Marcus… one I would like to lick. And lick, and lick… yeah. TMI, I know.

marcus-schenkenberg-153

Ahh. My Monday already feels better! Hope you have a great one and don’t forget to check back tomorrow or Wednesday for a list of winners from Blog Reader Appreciation week!

wintersig

Ashes

I remember Jester talking on Twitter about reconnecting with people from his past on Facebook.  I haven’t done much with Facebook but recently,  I was talking on a Yahoo group about what inspired my story Silver Lining that will be out in July and I thought of a way to try to reconnect with some people from my past.  It worked and I connected with a guy I’d known more than 20 years ago. He was best friends with a guy I’d been seeing.

Now, for those of you who don’t know or don’t remember me talking about Silver Lining, what spurred this story was the fact that I’d been daydreaming of what it would be like to find this guy online by happenstance. So I wrote the story of a woman who left a man she loved because she couldn’t handle the age difference.  The man let her go and always regretted that he hadn’t fought to keep her. Fifteen years later they meet online, only they don’t actually realize who they are until they meet face to face and their past relationship – one that neither of them forgot – is rekindled.

It’s a romantic and erotic story filled with yearning and pain and renewed hope. Nothing like the reality of my life I assure you! *wink* At any rate, one of the authors on the group thought I should find the man from my past and I told her nah, don’t think so. I’m happy where I am and with who I’m with.  She insisted that maybe he still thought about me too. I told her he was probably married with a bunch of kids and that his wife probably wouldn’t like it if he sat around thinking about ME! LOL She let it go. But only a handful of hours later I got a notice from Facebook that I had an email from the guy who’d been his best friend. In that email, Sid said he’d heard Paul was a meth addict now.

Okay, aside from the fact that it totally shattered my vision of Paul’s life, that news made me incredibly sad. And I wondered if his descent into that hell was in any way something that happened because of what had happened to us. Not that what had happened was my fault. I didn’t feel guilty but I did wonder.  So all the little daydreams I’d had became ashes with that email. I know what meth addicts are like and I wonder how much of my Paul is still left inside him. And… I’m just sad that his life turned out that way.  Still, my Silver Lining dream was a nice one and it fueled the story which is still one of my favorite things that I’ve written.

Funny how odd life can be that Sid popped up right after Lisa told me I should look for Paul.  Very karmic.

So now, how about a nice Marcus to round out my Monday rambles? The posed stuff is awesome but I still like the Marcus candids best.

markus090

Wishing you a happy hot Marcus Monday!

wintersig

The Man Who Was Left Behind

The picture above is Andrei Andrei. The one below is me and Paul. Don’t you think Paul looks a little like Andrei? Paul’s the man I had but couldn’t have. He’s the one I left behind. I think I left something behind with him too and it wasn’t my Nagel or my sheets from Neiman Marcus or even the half a gold heart on a chain… I think it was a little piece of me. Ah, well. Such is life.