My Bitch Mary

My bitch Mary, along with a lot of other bloggers with kids, is happy that school is starting. Poor Mary has been dealing with a lot of stuff, but she still manages to come by here and make a comment guaranteed to make me smile or laugh. I appreciate Mary, although you wouldn’t know it since my laggy ass hasn’t mailed her birthday present or her Marcus prize.

Still, I loves her a bunch, so today’s Tuesday Tune is for her. A little Saving Jane…

Mary by Saving Jane

And a little cartoon…

Hope I made you and Mary smile! Have a great Tuesday!

We’ve Got Big Balls

I’m not sure exactly how I ended up playing this for Motley last night. I think it might have had something to do with Dummy who is not fixed, but I’m not sure. All I really remember is that Motley hadn’t heard this song before. Well, she had, but she didn’t remember it. I mean, Rott’s played all the AC/DC albums repeatedly so she must have heard it at some point.

However, last night she was lying on my bed, on the phone with a friend, laughing her ass off at this:

May your Tuesday be filled with all the best kind of balls!

Fry Daddy!

So yesterday I was grilled. Today, I have fired up the FryDaddy since I’m a little tired of BBQ.

My sizzling victim is Kevin of Always Home & Uncool. Kevin’s blog says that he is a work at home, Gen X dad who is rockin’ the ‘burbs. The cast of characters on his blog include My Love (his wife the executive), Thing 1 (his Hannah Montana wanna be daughter) and Thing 2 (his sweet and sour son), and Murphy’s Happy Recap (his faithful canine companion). Okay, I stole the words from his profile , but really, Kevin tells his story much better than I could.

I dug into his archives a little to prepare for the questions. I didn’t have to dig far to recognize that Kevin is not your average suburban dad. He’s just really not average at all. The man is sharp as a tack and more amusing than a lot of the humor bloggers out there.

As some people *cough* Nicholas *cough* know, I’m not a fan of fluffy blogs and blog posts. Some of the stay at home dad blogs I’ve seen are just as fluffy as the mommy bloggers who squee over Oprah and Rachael Ray. I cringed when I drew Kevin in the lotto that is Neil’s Great Interview Experiment. My cringing was for naught as you will see.

Without further BS on my part, here’s the interview, with my comments below each of Kevin’s responses.

1. Why did you decide to name your kids (on your blog) after characters from Dr. Seuss?

I’ve read “The Cat and the Hat” a few zillions times to my kids over the years and it just stuck in my head. They are at the age when playing and having fun are all that matter, and that’s a good place to be in life.

BTW, I’ve called them many other things in real life. But in the end, Fric and Frac was too easy; Harold and Maude, too weird.

Hmmn. I used to call Motley the PITA. Too easy and too weird in one fell swoop. Too bad it was also very true at times. HEH.

2. Do you think it’s hard to be a “Daddy Blogger” in a “Mommy Blogger” world?

I don’t like compartmentalizing us into Dads or Moms. We’re all parents. We have a common enemy. Unite, Servants to the Sippy Kid Crowd!

But honestly, it’s like being an ice cube in a sea of hot tea. I mean, how can I compete with the raw sexuality and rawer language offered up by the Oprah-fueled masses?

I’d never realized that the sippy cup crowd cursed and had raw sexuality. If that’s the case why didn’t they rip Karl’s clothes off of him this year at BlogHer? Maybe the raw sexuality is same sex in nature… after all, sex with another woman is a dangerous thing in a stay at home mom world, isn’t it? (Don’t shoot me for the cliche!)

3. C’mon… you can tell us… is My Love really the main bread winner in your family, or are you secretly the inventor of the Samurai Shark (or some other item that Billy Mays hawks on the tube)?

My father co-wrote the lyrics to “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Ole Oak Tree.” I live comfortably off the royalties. Tip of the hat to both Bush administrations!

Ahhh. Gotta love a man who can bash two Bushes with one shot!

4. Why do the new friends to your blog only have nachos and mozzarella sticks to choose from? Shouldn’t there be a nutritious choice like zucchini sticks?

If you insist, I can nuke some spinach nuggets in a pinch. You like Cheez Whiz on yours?

Meh. I’ll pass on spinach nuggets and Cheez Whiz. I’m more of a hot wing kinda girl.

5. This is a twofer: What made you start blogging and how did you decide to become a humor blogger? (Don’t say it’s cause you think Diesel is funny either. That’s a cop out answer, even if it’s true that he is funny. Heh heh.)

My credit card was canceled because of delinquent charges for too many, um, online services, so I needed to find something else to get my creative juices flowing between freelance gigs. I did corporate communications for a very conservative Fortune 500 company for almost 10 years, so I needed a lot of practice to relearn how to write something besides “ours is a culture of continuous improvement and, by managing talent effectively and exceeding the expectations we set for our customers, we can increase EBITA by adding value for our stakeholders through cause marketing that redirects discretionary spending as we bounce along the bottom of this down cycle.”

I became a humor blogger because I have no real insight or wisdom to provide anyone on anything in particular. Kinda like Dr. Phil.

I work in Accounting. I know EBITA and EBITDA. (Earnings Before Interest, Taxes, Depreciation, and Amortization) I like a man who can work that into a sentence.

6. What’s your favorite beer and why?

What is this – “Sophie’s Choice”? It all depends on the situation, the place, my mood, the company, etc. For sheer beer pleasure, Young’s Double Chocolate Stout is incredible. It’s a beer. It’s a dessert. It’s a floor wax. For everyday quaffing, I like to pick up the Saranac Trail Mix 12-pack so I can choose one to suit the situation. Yuengling makes a great beach beer. Most of the Red Hook beers — ESB, Pale Ale, IPA — are excellent. Sam Adams’ products are uniformly fine, except for the bizarre cranberry beer they push at the holidays. They briefly made a Hazelnut Brown Ale in the late ’90s that I thought was really special. God … I’m welling with nostalgia …

I’m sitting here stacking up Kevin’s choices against Rott’s Beer Fridge... Two thumbs up on the Young’s Stout. Red Hook ESB isn’t bad. Rott agrees with the Sam pronouncement… and wonders why Kevin hasn’t tried Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, which only comes out in the winter?

7. If Thing 1, Thing 2 and My Love all went on a trip somewhere for 5 days, leaving you alone to take a solo mini-vacay, where would you go and what would you do?

Depends on the time of the year. Spring, I’d go to Florida and do the spring training baseball circuit. Summer, I’d take a tour of Major League Baseball stadiums. Autumn — me and the dog would go hiking the New England hills. Wintertime … I’d fly to London and visit all the pubs serving Real Ale that I could.

Not being a fan of baseball or hiking, I applaud the booze hound in Kevin and concur that a trip to London to drink ale would be awesome!

8. What mainstream movie do find incredibly arousing?

“The Princess Diaries 2.” Anne Hathaway’s eyebrows send tingles to all the good parts.

I like her boobs better.

9. What’s your favorite music/songs to play during sex or a romantic evening?

“(I Wanna Be Your) Alpha Male” by Steve Burns to send the proper signals (it’s all in the “boom-shucka-lucka). “Pretty Fly (for a White Guy)” by The Offspring for the bump ‘n’ grind. “Godzilla” by Blue Oyster Cult for the cuddling afterward. Also, you can never go wrong with the entire “Liquored Up & Lacquered Down” CD by Southern Culture on the Skids.

Anyone who likes BOC and the Offspring is A-OK by me!

10. I like to retell my dreams on my blog if they are either especially vivid or about other bloggers. Tell me your most interesting blog-related fantasy, daydream or real dream/nightmare.

People read my blog then promptly subscribe to me and unsubscribe to dooce because, while I am not a Wii-distributing pioneer, I am far more interesting and relevant to their lives.

Why do I feel like Kevin has read Avitable’s blog?

And there you have it. Kevin of Always Home and Uncool. Because this is Tuesday, and in honor of Kevin, I’m closing with a tune I’m sure you all will enjoy. In my case, it brings back memories of KNAC.com and one of the chat roomies named Kyuss who used to monitor bang to this song. Also, I think this was recorded when Ron Welty was with the band. My readers may recall me saying that I met him at my company’s Christmas party last year. Here it is… the Offspring!

Pretty Fly For a White Guy

Now, go check out Kevin’s blog and have a happy ale drinking, Offspring monitor banging Tuesday!

RottNRoll

One of Rott’s favorite bands of all time is Judas Priest. I know Priest, but not nearly as well as Rott does. He does a great impersonation of Rob Halford, knows all the songs, all the lyrics, every freaking note… I’m old and my memory doesn’t work as well as it used to. I shove a lot of stuff out to make room for more current stuff. I don’t listen to Priest so much anymore, so of course I barely remember how some of the songs go.

You’re wanting to know where I’m going with this, aren’t you? I have a point… oh, yes I do.

Well, my kid has always wanted a Nintendo, PS, Wii… some kind of gaming console. She has for YEARS. Have I given in and purchased one? Ever? NO FREAKING WAY. Her experience with things like Guitar Hero are at other people’s houses. While she was gone for two weeks at her friend’s house last month, she played Rock Band a lot. So she’s pretty good at it. Which was totally a saving grace when we went to Hilly’s only to be faced with Rock Band.

Motley was excited. I was dismayed. I suck at games. I’ve been playing the horse sim game for years, and I still suck at it. As you can guess, they got me to play Rock Band… a little. I was just lost with the game, but apparently I was the only one who knew any of Judas Priest’s You’ve Got Another Thing Comin’. I mangled it, mostly because I just don’t remember all of it. Oh, and Jester and UMB made me laugh a lot so I couldn’t sing. Laughing is forgivable. Just sucking… well, not so much. Heh.

Anyway, the Tuesday Tune is Judas Priest, cause yanno… YOU might have to sing it when you’re playing Rock Band and you wouldn’t wanna fuck up without the excuse of Jester making you laugh, now would you?

Judas Priest

Have a RottNRoll Priest loving Tuesday!

No Roses

It seems like a day doesn’t go by that something doesn’t happen to make me fear my mortality. I’m sure one of the reasons I write about immortals is that I’m quite afraid of dying. Today, I got to work and discovered my co-worker’s husband had died in his sleep on Saturday. This is the second of my co-workers to lose a husband. It’s shocking. And heartbreaking.

With my mortality feeling very fresh and raw, I managed to get through the day. However, while others might feel that making sure someone has their “power of blog” is part of making arrangements, I know that’s not at all at the top of my list. I worry about Motley. I mean, the kid is already struggling. If something happens to me, she has no one. No parents. No grandparents. No family. I’m horribly afraid of what will happen to her if something happens to me.

I can’t even leave her much. 15K in an insurance policy from my work. That’s it. I own my car and some household appliances. Motley wouldn’t be able to stay in the condo we live in. She couldn’t pay for it, even if she had a roommate. This situation totally freaks me out.

I told her not to spend anything on me. If I’m still working for the cemetery, they will pay for everything except things like a burial permit, death certificates, and an alternative container to cremate me in. The only thing I wanted her to spend on was a nice urn that doubles as a jewelry box to keep me in. It should cost very little of the 15K to dispose of me. And I want it that way. She will need that money.

Fear drives a lot of the things I do. When I yell at her to clean up and stuff, I’m not just being pissy because there’s trash to go out and dust and dirt. As an asthmatic who can’t afford her meds because the co-pays are too much, my life often feels very fragile, especially when dirt and dust affect my breathing. All it would take is a virus or a bad asthma attack and Motley would be an orphan. And that totally scares me. Not for me so much, but for her.

Over the weekend, ShinyBitch went to CrueFest. She discovered Papa Roach. Rott and I have been fans for awhile, since the first CD. For my Tuesday Tune, I thought I’d play some Papa Roach. Since my theme today has been a sad one, I chose Roses On My Grave. I’m not going to be buried so there is no need for roses for me.

Papa Roach-Roses On My Grave

Go hug the people who matter to you today. You never know what you may wake up to. Or who may be gone when you open your eyes.