Six Whacked Things Plus One Tune

My tune for this Tuesday is a little ditty that my friend Jen chose for us to use at the Bar. The first time I heard it, I went, WTF is this? But ya know, this song grew on me. I really like it now. I hope you play it a few times and enjoy it too.

So, Nicholas over at A Gentleman’s Domain did a meme about 6 non-important things/habits/quirks about himself. He sorta, in a gentlemanly way, challenged his readers to do the same if they so desired. Well, I didn’t have anything else going for Tuesday ‘cept the song, so I figured what the hell. Here’s six unimportant, whacked out things about me.

1. My daughter and I were born at the same time… sorta. My birth certificate says 12:41 am. Hers reads 12:41 pm.

2. I owned a Starsky & Hutch Gran Torino that I bought my senior year in high school.

3. I own a 6 foot tall inflatable giraffe. Thank you Mary, for a birthday gift that keeps on giving belly laughs and provides blog fodder.

4. I’m not that into sex toys. Fingers before vibrators is my reply when someone says, “I can’t believe you don’t like the rabbit!”

5. I lost my virginity in a grudge fuck. Yes, it’s true. I was that mad.

6. I have six holes in my left ear. By contrast, my right ear has but one. All the holes sport gauged earrings now, either 14 or 16 gauge, from a titanium twist with CZs (thanks Shiny!), to a sterling tribal flame, to a pair of titanium horseshoes. The left ear has 3 flesh piercings and 1 cartilage piercing at the bottom. At the top of the left ear is a double helix piercing. I got those last spring.

That’s all for today folks! Don’t all run screaming from the blog because of my holey ear! Have a great Tuesday!

Double the Marcus This Monday

I lied. I was supposed to get another piece of my writer and her hot model blog story written. I posted on this blog that I would do it to ensure that I would. I lied. Circumstances conspired to exhaust me and it didn’t happen. I am such a lame ass bitch. I don’t even have a good excuse. Stuff happened. The writing didn’t. I’m off today. I’m hoping I can get to it between the laundry and my manicure/pedicure and my other writing duties.

Okay, on to Marcus Monday. I’m not at work so I don’t need as much positive reinforcement as I usually do. However, I will do anything for an opportunity to shamelessly drool over Marcus, so here he is. This week I’m picking a more naked pic because I’m at home. You see, every morning at the office, I make a screen shot of my blog and use it as my desktop wallpaper. On Mondays, I can’t post pics of an almost nude Marcus because then he would end up on my desktop and someone might question it. Today, I can bask in the beauty of the Marcus without fear of reprisal.

Now, my friend Mary always comes by to see what Marcus pic I’ve posted. Mary, being the kind of bitch that she is, thinks Marcus is good looking, but he doesn’t spin her wheels. She prefers a more rugged man. Never mind that MY Marcus can actually play soccer, he’s still a pretty boy and not a pro. So, just for my bitch Mary, here is a more rugged, pro soccer playing Marcus. Marcus Hahnemann. He’s not so bad on the eyes and I bet he has great muscles.

This week was a busy week for comments on my fledgling blog. Matt-Man, Shiny, and Mary each earned 3 Marcuses! WOOT! Mr. Fabulous and Nicholas each got 2. Jennifer M., Susan G., Avalon, Vixensden, and Dane Bramage each earned 1 Marcus. Now, I need to pause here for a moment to give out a couple of extra Marcuses. Fab said my Marcus Award was a chick magnet, and I nearly spit up my Diet Dr. Pepper, so he gets an extra one. Matt actually posted the Marcus Award on his blog so he gets an extra one too.

So now for a recap of the first four weeks of the Marcus Awards. Shiny is in the lead with 6 Marcuses! Close behind her, with 5, is Matt. Then, there’s Mary with 4. Next, we have Kaige, Nicholas, and Mr. Fab with 3 each. BellaDaddy and Jennifer M. each have 2. Those with one each are: Greg, Livvy the English Courtesan, Trotter, Susan G., Vixensden, Avalon, and Dane Bramage. Thanks to everyone who posted in the last month, especially in the last week, and an extra special thanks to Matt for posting the Marcus. Whew! If I didn’t know how to use my Canon calculator, I woulda been in trouble counting all the Marcuses. Heh.

My final thought for this Monday is that NASCAR has never been the same for me since Davey Allison died. I tried to watch the Daytona 500. I had it on for the pre-race BS, but I could only manage to pay close attention to the last 90 minutes of the race. The pre-race show had a single highlight for me… Dario Franchitti. I love hearing the man’s Scottish brogue. Davey’s win in 1992 was mentioned a couple of times, but I don’t recall anyone talking about his death, although Dale Earnhardt’s and Neil Bonnett’s were mentioned. I really liked Davey and I’m sorry he’s gone. Five races from now, Dale Jarrett won’t be driving the UPS truck around the track in those commercials either. Seems like the end of an era. No, wait. The end of an era would mean Kyle Petty cut off his ponytail. I checked an AP photo from Thursday. It’s still there.

Valentine’s OD

My Valentine is away. Not that we ever were much for Valentine’s Day. I miss him, but it’s not like I would have gotten roses or chocolates anyway. We prefer to spend our money on more meaningful things than something that’s gone in a week. I got him a wheel with pedals for his PC racing game one year. He built me a new computer one Valentine’s Day about 5 years ago. (The one I’m using now, I built myself in September.) Rott doesn’t like to waste money on a gift that doesn’t keep giving in some way and I don’t blame him. The one year I had his car detailed he about had a cow. He said he coulda done a better job on his own with Windex and the hose. So no more wasteful Valentine’s gifts for us. Instead, we do little things that remind each other we care. Like wearing a black thong and giving him a six pack of his favorite beer (Boddington’s or Guinness Extra Stout). That gets his attention. LOL

This year even though we’re apart I’m wearing a pink bra and the satin Valentine panties, as if he were here. (That’s what I put on my butt today. It’s such a close up it doesn’t look like panties.) It’s the thought that counts right? I’m not sure if he’ll get a chance to call, but if he does it would be nice. Otherwise, we’ll say all the mushy stuff the next time he calls.

I did get some Valentine’s dark chocolate at the office. We had an employee lunch for exceeding our safety goal last year. The food was meh, but the candy was the shit! Dove darks are yummy. Only See’s dark chocolate covered caramels are better. No flowers for me, but that’s okay. I got my kid a bud vase with a few red carnations. She’s depressed because Invincible Morrison is far away in Bakersfield. Po thang. They’ve been together more than a year now and the separation since he moved has been rough on them. Luckily, T-Mobile allows them to stay in constant touch via text messaging, IM, and regular phone calls.

So be nice to your Valentine today, but don’t overdo it. It’s better to remember why you care about each other than spend money on crap that looks good today but doesn’t last. Giving someone a symbol that has no longevity doesn’t bode well for your future with that person, now does it? Happy Hearts Day everyone!

Thursday Thirteen The Third

Thirteen Quotes From The Bar Story


It’s Thursday Thirteen the Third! (Say that 3 times fast. HEH.) This week I’ve got 13 amusing quotes from The Bar, a serial story that I, and seven other writers, participate in. All of these quotes were written by me. Maybe another time I will do funny one liners by the other writers. Truthfully, the other writers are funnier than I am, especially Mary. I actually had a hard time finding 13 pieces that I thought were amusing. I guess I’m not that funny. LOL So here they are, 13 quotes from The Bar Story! Enjoy!

1. The vampire looked at me with steel blue eyes that were keenly intelligent, despite the fact that he was probably three sheets to the wind. “I’m Lucius Kohl,” he said, grimacing at his full hands.

I grinned and showed him my own full hands. We’d have to forgo the shaking hands shit. “Matt Havens,” I replied easily. “I’m a childhood friend of Rosalie’s come to keep her company while Collin is out.”

Lucius grunted, his hungry gaze on the Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket. “Damn. How come I don’t have friends who bring me food? All my friends come my house to eat.”

2. While they were getting their toes done, a sleepy Johann came in. “What the fuck?” he muttered groggily, taking in the spa atmosphere.

Sascha grinned at him. “Want a manicure Joh?” she teased.

“Yeah, like I want cancer,” he grumbled.

3. “I mean that, as of this moment, I don’t think I’m the Calvin Klein underwear guy anymore. I’m back to being Mattias Alain Erodonius Havenstoll Angouleme du Mordain.”

Emmy blinked at him for a moment, stunned. Then she grinned. “I don’t think that will fit very well on my mailbox, Matt.”

4. “Shut up, Lisp,” Dante growled. “This is important.”

“Fuck you, Dante. I told you never to call me that again. I can speak the King’s English perfectly,” Lilith said in a haughty tone.

Dante started to laugh. “Yeah, when you’re sober. When you’re drunk, you lisp. My name ith Lilith,” she mocked. “Lilith the Lithp.”

5. I opened my mouth and he stuck a tongue depressor in it. I fought the urge to gag. Suddenly, Alaric’s thoughts invaded my head. You’re gagging over a tongue depressor when you’ve easily slurped down my whole…

Arggh! Out of my head Alaric! The doctor is examining me! I can’t be thinking of your dick right now.

6. Valerian shook his head. “I’m dreaming aren’t I?”

Nyx laughed and stroked the back of his head. “I don’t think so, Shadow. Are we going to bed now?”

He shook his head again. “Where do you want it?”

Nyx knew exactly what he was referring to. “Where do you want to put it?”

“Your forehead,” he replied instantly, and after a quick second of shock on her part, Nyx burst out laughing.

“Thereby keeping every male away from me because your mate mark is branded on my face in plain sight,” she grinned. “You’re a devil.”

7. Lorenzo leaned over the table toward Althea. “You mean it’s not my handsome face and scintillating personality that has your panties wet?” he asked in a low voice that reeked of sex.

Althea’s mouth curved up as she murmured, “Well, that too.” She cocked up an eyebrow at him. “I think it was really the little boy lost air about you that drew me. I wanted to rescue you and feed you milk and cookies.”

Lorenzo’s eyes gleamed. “Milk and cookies?” He gestured toward her breasts and the juncture of her thighs. “Is that what they call it in England these days?”

8. “How many times have we done it in the shower?” Matt asked Emmy, as he slipped a hand between her thighs.

Her eyes glowed with desire. “Not enough.” She pulled his head down and kissed him.

Good answer, Matt thought smugly.

9. “You’d be a lot more attractive with your mouth sealed shut,” Johann goaded snidely, his blue eyes furious.

“I’m sure you find the duct tape look sooo attractive,” Lex scoffed in an acid voice.

10. “I can hear those lascivious thoughts you know,” she teased, as she slid out of bed and reached for a short green silk robe.

“I know.” Matt sat up, watching her belt the robe. “Doesn’t hurt for you to know what you do to me.”

She grinned and tossed back her long dark hair. “I turn you into a perv? I would think there’s something in your genes that causes it, not me.”

“There is something in my jeans that causes me to think sexual thoughts about you.” Matt shoved back the covers and let her stare at his raging erection. “Well, it’s not in my jeans at the moment, and if I tried to put it in my jeans in this state, it would protest.”

11. The vampire deity smiled at them. “Alexandria? I was touched by how you overcame your fears about money and spent ten thousand dollars on an oversized giraffe as a gesture of love for Alaric. It was beautiful…”

I gasped in shock. I recalled telling the concierge to get the biggest giraffe at FAO Schwarz… but ten thousand dollars? He’d bought a ten thousand dollar giraffe for Alaric? Oh, hell. My credit card was maxed out now…

12. Dominic checked Carlisle’s fingers and pronounced her hand fine. “No more hitting people. Okay, Car?” he said with a grimace. “Mary’s a friend. In fact, I’ll have to take you over there sometime soon. The two of you will probably get along like a house on fire.”

“Or set fire to the house with their fighting,” Stein muttered sarcastically under his breath.

13. “Skinny dipping always leads to seduction,” Nyx grinned, walking to the door.

“For you, maybe. For me it leads to sand in my butt,” Ainsley grumbled wickedly.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

And there ya have it! Thirteen amusing moments from the Bar. Everyone is welcome to come read our story, which is written by eight writers, male and female, from around the world. Happy TT, peeps!

Phishy IRS Email

Since I have to file schedules pertaining to education credits (the kid’s in school and I have to keep myself up to date in the tech field), my taxes could not be e-filed until the 11th of February. (Thank you, Congress you slow ass behemoth!) So I waited an entire month to file. How annoying!

I’d gone to taxbrain.com the first week of January with my paystub from the end of December and started the process. When I got my W2 around the 10th, I went back to taxbrain.com to finish. Everything copied over from the prior year’s return and all I did was plug in new numbers from my W2 and from our education expenses. Pretty easy for a girl with a tax preparer’s license. Heh.

The frustrating part came when I sent the return to be filed. Up pops the little notice that the schedules I’m filing cannot be transmitted until February 11. So I left my returns (the CA one too) in the queue. I figured, e-filing still saves lots of time and the refund money will be electronically deposited, which saves even more time.

I checked back at taxbrain.com a couple of times during the last month. Then yesterday morning, I check the status of my return and it had gone from pending to sent. WOOT! Now, I just had to wait for an email from taxbrain.com telling me whether the IRS accepted or rejected the return. Last year I got rejected. It was the strangest most fucked up thing. I opened the return and deleted my kid, then re-entered her… with the same damned information. I hadn’t fat fingered the first entry. All the numbers were correct on her SS#. Nothing was different. But it was accepted the second time. Grrr.

So this morning, I figured I would have an email stating that my return was eiher accepted or rejected because, usually, you get a confirmation within 24 hours. Instead of an email from taxbrain.com, I found an email purporting to be from the IRS. Okay, I was not born yesterday. You cannot get me to fork over money to help you bring your dead wife here from Nigeria so my funeral home can bury her. I know I haven’t won the UK lottery. And I’m for damn sure that no relative named JAMES ALLEN JAMIESON, ESQ. from Leeds, England, left me money in his will. Pfft. Why the hell would I think an email that says it’s from the Internal Revenue Service with a subject line of Tax Notification, is real?

Being the techie kinda geek that I am, I first made sure the damn thing had no worms or trojans. Then I opened the email. This is what it said:

Internal Revenue Service (IRS)
United States Department of the Treasury

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal
activity we have determined that you are eligible
to receive a tax refund of $184.80.

Please submit the tax refund request and allow us
6-9 days in order to process it.

A refund can be delayed for a variety of reasons.
For example submitting invalid records or applying
after the deadline.

To access the form for your tax refund, use the following personalized link:

http://0xCA.0x80.0x1D.0x2/www.irs.gov/

Regards,
Internal Revenue Service

Document Reference: (0xCA.0x80.0x1D.0x2).

When I moused over the link…it gave me a different link. Warning, warning! I closed the email and clicked delete. I’d already known it was bogus. I just wanted to see the evidence. I wondered just how clever the sender really was. When I moused over the link and saw the obviously non-IRS website URL, I had proof positive that they weren’t clever. This email wasn’t much different than the ones purporting to be from PayPal or eBay, asking you to click the link and verify your account info or risk account suspension. The same thing happens with those emails. Put your mouse over the link they want you to click and look for the URL. It’s not PayPal or eBay. It’s set up to steal your account info is what it is. Phishy as all hell.

By the time 4 pm rolled around, I figured I was prolly gonna find a rejection slip from the government when I got home. I mean, the info was the same as last year and they rejected me last year. I was slightly surprised then to open my email at 5 pm and find that both returns were accepted, and I could expect the electronic deposit on or about the 22nd of February. Go figure. It all worked out in the end. I did wonder how many people got taken in by the fake IRS email. How pathetic are those people who send out phishing emails? It amazes me that anyone falls for their shit. Okay, when I see how many of my co-workers don’t know how to find toolbars or format documents or print an envelope… maybe I’m not so amazed after all.

Laters peeps!