A Dooney Kyra Marcus Monday

I never got around to posting (or blog hopping – sorry everyone!) this weekend. I got totally wrapped up in the Bar, writing sex scenes, arguments, vamps drinking blood during sex, introducing a new character who is the Blood Mistress, turning a hot couple into a threesome, psychos trying to kill their ex-girlfriend with a crossbow… all kinds of stuff. I had a very busy weekend at the Bar! Whew!

Then on Sunday, I was mired in Blog Talk Radio. Fab’s show was a little controversial. The 18 year old right wing Republican he had on made some comments about Iraq and she was sorta arrogant about it which totally pissed off Kyra, whose DH Dean is scheduled to go back there soon. Since I have a nephew who’s been to Hell Iraq a few times, I took exception to the 18 year old as well. Even MY 18 year old did. Fab smoothed it over though (by humming Taps), and frankly, I don’t think the kid even realized what she said, how she said it, or even sees anyone else’s POV. Sad really.

Turnbaby had the president of BTR on. That was interesting. Playing Quid Pro Quo with him and John Sweet who had shut down Kyra the week before. After that Kyra came on and it was the FUNNEST and FUNNIEST show EVER! Fab was on and Turnbaby and Shiny (the guy Shiny, not MY Shiny who is a luscious female) called in… OMG. I still cannot stop laughing. Fab called my kid, Motley, and that was amusing. Motley laughed and laughed. It was so good Kyra had to add a half hour to her show. I’m not gonna say what all happened, but I will say this… DEAN IS THE SHIT. If you haven’t been by Kyra’s blog, you should go. You’ll find a link on the right side panel.

So, I got the Dooney purse last week. I am still having orgasms over it. I want to sleep with it, but I fear I would get no sleep. Instead of inundating all of you with a dozen pics of the purse I will post just the one pic with Marcus (since it’s Monday) and give you this link – Dooney Giraffe Purse. That is a little photo record of my first real Dooney purse purchase straight from Dooney online. At the bottom of that page is the purse I was trying to get from eBay the day my battery died. Now, I’m glad I didn’t get it, because once I got a REAL one, I could so tell that the one on eBay was a fake! Anyway, I get all shivery when I touch the darn thing. It’s nice to buy something expensive for myself once in awhile.

It’s Monday, so I need to share Marcus with you all again. This is one of my favorite pics of him. I love him in underwear. It’s so… suggestive. So… yummy. And this underwear pic is more suggestive than most. Loaded. Yup. My sense is that Marcus is definitely loaded. In the Bar, I sometimes post pics of Alaric (Marcus) and I’ve been saving this pic to use when Lex gives Alaric these underwear and makes a joke about the brand that is plastered all over his crotch. Of course, as many Alaric and Alexandria posts do, this one (when I write it) is slated to end in a lovely sex scene. There is nothing finer than a post with sex between Al and Lex.

And now, it’s time for the Marcus Awards. This week we had a LOT of new people post comments. However, we still do not have the name of the Air France man. Don’t forget there’s a prize for that too. Here’s our Marcus winners: Shiny and Mary got 5 each. Fab and Matt got 4 each. Susan, Kyra, and Tempest got 3 each. Everyone else, including my kid Motley, got one each. The list was so long I don’t dare post it. I have it though, so not to worry. If you posted last week, I have your name!

The Marcus Award monthly recap numbers include the first month’s recap as well, so it’s a total to date, since we are at the half way point (sorta). Remember, this contest ends the last week of May and the prize will be awarded the first week in June, when the next 6 month contest starts up. At that point, if this blog is doing well, I may have to go to quarterly awards! WOOT!

Lots of people have won the Marcus Award since February, but I’m going to list only our double digit winners. If your name isn’t listed and you want to know how many Marcuses you’ve earned, leave a comment and I’ll reply with your total. At the halfway point, our leader is Mary with 24 Marcuses, followed by Matt-Man with 20, Susan with 17, Shiny with 16, Fab and Nicholas with 12 each, and Tempest with 11. I’m tempted to say, as Snackie does, Stalk Me Much? However, I happen to like this kind of stalking. I’ll be excited to send out a prize to the winner in June. If you’re not in the top 3, you still have a chance to win. Just read and post comments!

Have a great Marcus Monday and don’t forget to come back around tomorrow for a tune and another pic of that hot guy I posted for Mary last week that had all you ladies drooling.

I Dream of Nikki

I totally had the freakiest dream ever this morning. Usually, my dreams are vague these days and I wake up and thrust away any remaining images, so I can get moving with the day. The crystal clear dreams happen rarely to me now. When I do have one of those dreams, it’s usually about one of my characters or something to do with the Bar. At about 5:30 this morning, I had a very vivid dream about Nikki Sixx.

Celebrities are not my thing when it comes to dreams. I rarely dream about them. I don’t think I’ve ever had a Marcus dream. Well, maybe I did. Once. But this is like the third or fourth Nikki dream I’ve had, and I don’t even go to his website and message board regularly like I used to. It’s been a few months since I read his book and I haven’t listened to the CD recently either. I wasn’t thinking about him at all yesterday. Not one thought, so where the hell did this dream come from?

In the dream, we were at a street fair. It started out with him kissing my cheek with an indulgent smile, apologizing for being late, yadda yadda about the traffic on the 405. Then I’m introducing him to this tall ass guy who was a school principal. I don’t know who the principal was. My kid’s not even in school. The principal gave me an indulgent smile too when I introduced Nikki, saying, “I know who he is. I’ve seen his face on all the kids’ t-shirts.” This guy was really tall too, Darrien tall, like 6’10” or something.

We moved on and I introduced Nikki to my network consultant, Steve. What Steve was doing at the street fair was another weird thing. I mean, maybe he and his wife go to stuff like that, but why was Steve in my dream? The next thing I know, Nikki has his arm over my shoulders as we’re wandering through the crowd and he’s whispering in my ear, “Do you think they believe that I’m your boyfriend?”

“You’re not my boyfriend. You’re older than me. I don’t go out with guys my age or older,” I tell him with a teasing grin.

He kisses my temple. “Now you know what you’ve been missing, dontcha?” he chuckles. He starts nibbling my double helix and I’m getting all shivery. “I love your ear. All those holes and gauges. It’s incredibly hot,” he murmurs. “Hard to resist.”

I’m turning into a puddle, right there in the middle of a street fair! Then some guy, don’t know who, nor where he came from, says, “You know, Nikki left you a present. You’ll have to go back and get it.”

I look at Nikki and he’s got this smirky smile. “You are gonna love this,” he tells me.

I stare at him wide eyed. “I don’t need presents,” I protest.

“Yes, you do,” he insists. “You deserve them, and I need to give them to you. Over and over. So shut up and enjoy.”

The present is this condo with beautiful wood floors and a couch shaped like lips. In my heart, I know I deserve this gorgeous house and that cool couch, but I have this nit picky worry inside me. So I tell Nikki, “Are you trying to buy your way into my heart?”

He laughs and leads me to the bedroom. Along the way, we pass a room with a big window, a zebra printed area rug, and a big black desk with a new laptop on it. “No way,” he tells me, that indulgent smile returning to his lips. “I know better than that! If I wanted to find a way into your heart, I’d let you blow me every hour on the hour!”

I blink up at him. Damn. How’d he get into my head? Then I realize someone from Zanctuary showed him my Confessions of a Blow Job Queen post. I look at the fully furnished bedroom. Waterbed. Giraffe sheets. I am so lost in lust at this point. I look at Nikki and he’s smirking again.

“No more air mattress,” I whisper in awe. I touch the bed and it’s waveless. I sigh. I am so in love… with the beautiful wood floors, the beautiful red lips couch, the waveless waterbed with giraffe print sheets, and a tattooed ex-heroin addict rock star who is *gasp* older than me!

“No more air mattress,” he tells me and pushes me down on the bed. It feels like a cloud. It is sooo wonderful. I moan. Nikki laughs softly. I open my eyes and he’s propped on an elbow beside me, grinning.

“Are you gonna write a song about me?” I ask.

He tugs on a long strand of my streaked hair. “I already did,” he replies. “You and your blog and your crazy internet friends and your deliciously wicked tongue.”

“How’d you manage to work all of that into a song?” I blink up at him, amazed at his talent.

“It was easy. You inspire me,” he says, nibbling on my double helix. “When you’re ready to give up the cemetery and write all day long, I’ll ask you to move in with me.”

If I had been on one of those heart monitors I swear they would have brought the crash cart. And then the alarm on my phone went off. Fucking phone. I coulda happily stayed in that dream for the rest of my life.

Anyone have any idea why I had this dream? I mean sure, Nikki Sixx is hot, but I wasn’t thinking about him at all! I swear I wasn’t! I’m stumped. And left feeling… unsatisfied. I wanted that dream to go on and on and on…

Enough Nikki for now. Here’s the naughty picture I promised you for Friday. We used this at the Bar and put heads on it. Marcus’ head on the male and Kelly’s on the female. When Mary and Shiny see this picture they are going to spew their drinks on their monitors! This has to be the funniest giraffe picture I have ever seen. It’s a good lead in to the weekend. Uh, not that I meant everyone should have giraffe sex this weekend…

Happy Friday everyone! Come back this weekend for some lust and pics of my new purse! MUAH!

Thursday Thirteen the Seventh

Arrrgh! Susan over at West of Mars did a TT that juiced me up to do 13 Bar couples this week. I’d been feeling kinda meh about that topic and wrote up 13 things I know because I work at a cemetery. Now I can’t make up my mind! I’d do both, just cause I could, and because I’m a lamer who can’t choose. However, time constraints are forcing me to go with my ghoulish cemetery TT.

Thirteen Things I Know Because I Work at a Cemetery

1. The big oven used to do cremations is called a retort.

2. Cremains are not ash like in a fireplace. It’s more like fine sand. In fact, there are usually small bone fragments so everything that comes out of the retort is put in a grinder before it’s bagged and put in the urn.

3. I have felt warm cremains boxes before. They retain their heat for awhile, and when our crematory guy brings the boxes up to put in the vault, sometimes they are still warm to the touch.

4. When someone is embalmed, blood is drained from the body (usually via the carotid artery) and replaced with embalming fluid. The fluid is pinkish to help give the skin some color.

5. A Depository is a vault in the ground where they drop bags of cremains. It’s sort of a common grave for cremated remains. We have one that does not list whose cremains are within. We have two others with a granite slab where the names are engraved.

6. A lawn crypt is a grave with a cement vault set into it and at least 18 inches of sod on top. When you bury someone in a lawn crypt you peel off the sod, dig down the 2 feet to the top of the lawn crypt and then pry up the cement lid. In a companion lawn crypt, there’s another lid 6 feet down you have to remove in order to put the first casket in.

7. A cenotaph is a marker for someone who isn’t buried in the place where the marker is, or even in the cemetery. A lot of people buy these when their loved one has been cremated and scattered.

8. It’s illegal to scatter human cremains on private property unless you have the permission of the property owner.

9. When I visited the Orange County Coroner’s Office with our Mortuary Explorer’s Club, the sheriffs were selling chocolate toe tags to help raise funds for a related charity.

10. It takes a minimum of 2-3 hours to cremate a person.

11. Some cemeteries, like where I work, require that the family purchase a vault for the casket when burying in the ground. This keeps the grave from caving in.

12. There is a difference between a casket and a coffin. Coffins are no longer used in this country but other places still use them. Many of you who watch the news may have seen Benazir Bhutto’s coffin carried on the shoulders of her people after her assassination. Probably the biggest casket manufacturer is Batesville, located in Batesville, IN.

13. You can have the cremains of your loved one made into a diamond.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!
The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

For those of you who know that I have been on pins and needles awaiting this wonderful arrival… IT’S HERE! My giraffe purse arrived from Dooney! I’m so amazed by it, that I have yet to unwrap it from the plastic. I’ll be taking some pics for posting soon. Oh, and I have a naughty giraffe pic for Friday too. Heh heh. Wait until you see THAT! Happy TT!

Weird Crap Wednesday

I’m really tweaked that my zip disks are missing. I know, I know. You’re laughing your asses off at me over such old technology. I had a buttload of zip disks with photos on them, including these really nice high res images that a pro photog took of me and my former pal Dan aka “D”. The zip disk case is missing about 3 disks, including the disk with all the photos. That really upsets me because there were lots of photos there besides the cleavage shots. Photos that I can’t replace. I hate when stuff like this happens. I have a suspicion I know what happened to the disks (a man suffering from drug induced paranoia), but I’m really hoping it wasn’t him. I’m hoping the PITA and I can find them in this house somewhere. I don’t want to be mad at him…

Okay, enough being pissy and upset. I have some weird crap to share this Wednesday because it’s late and the time change has totally fucked me up, so I’m out of time to get this post up and catch a few Z’s so I can function tomorrow. No more playing hooky with a 100 fever like I have the past 2 days.

Weird Item Number 1: I am completely amazed that no one, but no one can find the guy in the Air France commercial. I’m posting the damned thing again, and reminding everyone that they can win a prize with fangs if they find the dude. I’ll let you pick a t-shirt or a clock or something from the Bar store if you can find the guy! Here’s that weird ass commercial. (Like I need to see it again. They played the fuck out of it at CNN for 3 lousy weeks! Grrr!) It’s so weird that no one can find him and give me a name.

Weird Item Number 2: My kid has the longest fingers ever and she’s got some long ass nails. REAL nails, not fake. Then she goes and buys this neon green polish. After her manicure, she sits in the car admiring her fingers and snaps a pic with her RAZR. She’s freaking weird. The nails are freaking weird. Okay, maybe they are a little cool, but c’mon. They’re still weird.

Weird Item Number 3: I found a picture I could have sworn I deleted. I mean, it’s not an attractive image. I was a little on the buzzed side, trying to take a pic of the reindeer horns that I was wearing on my head on Christmas Eve. First of all, how pathetic was that for a Christmas Eve? Second, I deleted the damn thing! I know I did! Why it is still in My Pictures is a mystery. Someone is fucking with me. I know it. And I don’t think that they are corporeal, although they must know how to use the recycle bin…

Weird Item Number 4: I was hunting for a nice dragon graphic awhile back when I was working on the Bar t-shirts. I found this cool purple graphic and I liked it so I saved it. Last week at work, the PITA changed her desktop picture and lo and behold, there is that purple dragon graphic. So I ask her if she’s been logging into my computer as me. She looks at me all weird and says, “No, I don’t have your password, remember?” Duh. She doesn’t. So I ask her, “Where the hell did that come from?” I point to the picture. She looks at me even weirder and says, “Deviant Art. It’s really cool.” The PITA and I downloaded the same pic like a week apart.

Weird Item Number 5: Gunther and the Sunshine Girls. Have you ever seen these videos? They are the funniest thing on YouTube. OMG, this dude is totally serious! Everyone I know laughs at him and there are a ton of parodies out. The best parody ever was the Christmas one where there were midgets dancing and a bunch of feminine men dressed as elves. This song is pretty funny if you listen to the lyrics. Oooh, you touch my tra la la! I can’t put the video on here. The Sunshine Girls are making out with each other wearing nothing but a sheet and you can see Gunther’s bare ass. It’s hysterical though, so if you’ve never seen this before, go check it out. But really, pee first so you don’t have an accident.

Now before I sign off, this is for Mary and all you other folks who love a hot body. Besides, I had to wipe away the image of Gunther somehow:

That’s it for me this Wednesday. Hope the weirdness didn’t scare you off! LOL Tomorrow for my Thursday Thirteen, I was gonna do 13 couples from the Bar, but I dunno now. I want something more fun. I’ll have to think on it while I’m at the cemetery…

Tuesday Tune, A Girl With Fangs, and My Ho-ness

Over at the Bar, Mary made the very valid point that I am not a pimp, I’m a ho. So I guess it isn’t being a pimp to ask everyone to stop by Blogs We Luv today to read what they’ve posted about me! It’s an exciting thing to me. As exciting as the prospect of Fab making me cry on his show when he pops my cherry. Being a ho is fun!

I also referenced myself as the Proprietress of PornFest over at Blogography. Dave took that in stride. I think it’s because Fab says such outrageous stuff all the time that you can pretty much say anything to someone who knows him and they will swallow it whole. Not that I’m NOT the Proprietress of PornFest. When Rott turns on PornFest, I’m the only girl in the house, ‘cept for the ones on every TV in the house. Since it’s my house, that makes me the Proprietress. I really don’t mind PornFest. I actually like porn. I even like some of the lesbian porn Dave was trying to decide on. Those of you who have been reading this blog since its inception, oh, two months ago, know that I like porn. Those of you who are new to this den of iniquity… not only do I like porn, I like butt sex. GASP! Shocking, isn’t it? I guess I really am a ho…

I did ho myself around in a few places. I posted about Fab’s radio show at the Bar and the horse racing sim. I posted at Zanctuary too, and I even mentioned being on Today’s Gripe. I haven’t hit up all the places I go yet, but it’s early days. By May, everyone I know will be eager to tune into Fab’s show to hear my smoky Stevie Nicks voice.

My Tuesday tune is a favorite of mine. I had it on my MySpace for quite awhile, I liked it so much. I hope you enjoy it! I put it up today not just because it’s Tuesday and I like the song, but because I have another taste of the Bar for you – it’s the Girl With Fangs again, Lex Valentine. In this post, Lex goes to her friend Dominic’s house because the band she manages is there. The band, The Dark Ones of the Disgraced, – or the DOD – is falling apart. They lost their bassist and their drummer just lost his mate. The drummer is in bad shape, and Lex is going to try to shore him up because the band has a album to finish. Dominic Solent, the band’s producer, is at his wit’s end and hopes that Lex can whip these guys back into shape. This is Lex’s first time seeing the guys since she found out she’s pregnant, so there’s a few jokes in there about her husband Alaric’s sperm. Hope you like it! Click HERE to read the post.

I have a buttload of work to do for the Bar. I’m feeling a little rejuvenated though because we got ourselves a new writer today. We welcomed our third male writer to the Bar. He’s another hot Scotsman, a close friend of our current hot Scotsman, Dee. Dee and Nath bring a whole new element to the Bar Story, and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all plays out.

One last thing on my ho-ness. I’m wondering if it was my pimpage of myself that got Diesel to stop by and post a comment. I mean, to me, that’s like Marcus Schenkenberg knocking on my door and asking if I wanna go drink a pitcher or two of margaritas with him. I love Diesel. He’s like the penultimate in funny. I could never aspire to be even half as amusing as his pinkie. Okay, Dave’s cuter, Matt has a bigger organ, and Fab can fist, but Diesel has… cache. I dunno. I about peed my pants when I saw he left a comment on here. My ho-ey self totally preened. Mary called it alright. I am such a freaking ho. Happy Tuesday peeps!