Mixed Emotions

The weekend was fraught with the title of this blog post. There’s shit going on at home. There’s shit going on with websites. There’s shit going on on Facebook. And damn it all…there’s just shit going on in this world.

Top of the charts: One of the Ellora’s Cavemen was murdered early Sunday morning. It’s shocking and such a loss for the staff and authors at EC. And imagine how his friends and family must feel. I mean, the guy was only 27. He purportedly died in his best friend’s arms. At least he wasn’t alone, but still. 27.

At 27, I was having a shitty year. I could have died and probably very few people would have known it. It was a really bad year. But this guy…he had everything going for him. Who the fuck ever took a gun to a club and used it during an altercation should be strung up. I mean c’mon. If you’re that pissed, you punch someone, not shoot them. What does that say about the shooter’s respect for life? The whole thing makes me angry and sick to my stomach at how low so many people who call themselves humans truly are.

Next up: My house. I hate poisonous snakes. I hate the  909-ers who bottle neck my road. But I don’t want to sell or lose my house. But I think my old man has given up. When that happens, I never win. And I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I think I just need to walk away from him and all his problems and neuroses that cost me money and years off my life because of the stress.

And I’m really tired of being broke. I might love him but I’m really tired of being broke. Sometimes I dream of what my life would be like if I had no one to support but me. Man, that’s weird. I’ve never had no one to support but me. I’ve supported other people my entire life, no breaks. I don’t think I’d know what to do with myself.

There’s other stuff. Stuff I don’t have the energy to bring up cause my gut is churning and I need to eat a fistful of Tums. You don’t have to leave me a comment and say you’re sorry I’m going through this or feel this way. I know most of you are generous people and you do feel sorry that my life is shit. I’d rather you go tell someone to check out my books. Not buy them. Just check them out. I’m not trying to make a sale here. Just trying to put myself in front of possible new readers. If they look at my stuff and are interested enough to buy, that’s awesome. But I have a hard time telling people to go buy my books. I guess I’m not a good salesman.

I need a nice photo for inspiration today. Something to help me get through the day. I can’t even say week. Can’t look that far ahead.

Isn’t that pretty? I want to be there. It’s too fucking hot here. I look at that and I could just cry I want to be there so bad. Who gets 105 degree heat in September anyway?

Okay my lovelies. I must go to work. If you want to know what I’ve been reading that I liked, I have a fresh new Valentine Review that I put up yesterday here on this blog. If you want to see where I’m guest blogging about pro sports and bullying and being gay in the NFL check out my pal Tara Lain’s blog. And tomorrow on the 2nd Alix Rickloff invited me over to Blame It On the Muse to talk about Scrambling. Wait until you see that blog post. There’s a port-a-potty in it. LOL

Happy Monday!


Photo courtesy Stock.XCHNG

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6 Responses to Mixed Emotions

  1. Hugs, Lex. I wish things weren’t so rough for you right now. (Snakes? Yikes!) Here’s hoping things will get better. And I hope you’ll get that cabin, too.

  2. martymankins says:

    I hear you on the always supporting others. While I’ve had support from others when things were bad, it would be nice to have some support when you are in a good place.

    FWIW, the snow here in Utah lasts way too long for my tastes, but after 23 years, I stick with it. It’s why I always look forward to summer.

  3. I’m terrible at saying “Read My Books” so I can relate. And I AM sorry you’re going through a shit time.
    All I can say is that I know you’ll make it. I know it’s hard, but you’re a fighter. Don’t forget that. It’s easy to forget, to feel like it’s not worth it, to say “fuck it all”. But you’re going to fight ’till the end. I have faith in you.

    • Winter/Lex says:

      I should just move up north so we can go drink coffee or Chivas together. My hubs would love being in a less populated place. I miss the weather up north. But I don’t know if I could get a job up there. I would love to go there though. Love, love…

  4. Hey Lex! So sorry about shittiness going on. Would you like to do an interview or promo a book at my blog sometime?