What You Wish For

Today, I have a Tuesday Tune and then I’m gonna get all personal on you.

When people ask me what my favorite Christmas song is, I usually offer up the old carols. The songs I sang in accapella choir. The Boar’s Head Carol, the Coventry Carol, the Holly & the Ivy, Carol of the Bells… you know the stuff. The very old non-commercial stuff. I could tell you all about the Coventry Carol and Lady Godiva and some other stuff, but MEH. No one cares anymore. Everyone likes modern music. Madonna doing Santa Baby. That Mariah Carey song. Aaron Neville.

Don’t get me wrong. I like some of ’em too. Bing Crosby and David Bowie doing the Little Drummer Boy. But the truth of the matter is that in some ways I am a child of the 80’s still. The band that rose to such huge prominence and to this day retains as much respect for their politics as their music holds a place in my heart with their Christmas song.

Last year, I cried for hours. I just wanted Rott. I was so lonely without him. I was worried about him too up in the Sierras in the cold. I wanted things to be like they used to be. Of course, stupid me was thinking back several years instead of just one or two years. Our first Christmas together in Huntington Beach.  The year we were homeless and he brought a tree to the motel on Christmas Eve. I missed just holding him and having him hold me. Last year felt so much like my first Christmas without my parents that I got a little drunk. Couldn’t take the pain.

This year he’s home and all the joy and love that I thought would be there isn’t. It’s been replaced by wariness, caution, fear, trust issues, and a host of the most painful emotions I’ve ever experienced. I’m beset with loss and the man is right there. Things may not be hopeless but at the moment my limboland is painful and painfully barren. I’m not alone like last year, but the loss of so many of my hopes has left me feeling raw and even more lonely than I was last year.

I laughed at myself a few days ago about getting what you wish for. All I could wish for last year was to have him home with me where I knew he was safe and where I could show him that I loved him. This year… I know he’s safe at least. And when he smiles, I can see it. And I know that all this churning emotion at least tells me that I am still alive inside this shell.

And even if we can’t yet cross the chasm between us, and may never be able to, I have those places I can go to in my heart where I can still feel the heat of those memories we made together.  In my mind, Christmas will always be about that night we struggled to decorate a tree that filled a little room and how we laid together in the dark, holding hands, listening to midnight mass on the TV as the lights blinked on that dried out tree.

Sometimes, the best Christmas’s are the ones in your heart.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail
Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to What You Wish For

  1. martymankins says:

    It’s a few days late, but I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

    Sorry to hear what you wished for wasn’t complete, but to know he’s safe is a good thing.

    Let’s hope the new year will bring lots of great things for you. Maybe we’ll finally get a chance to meet in person.
    .-= martymankins´s last blog ..Top Albums of 2009 =-.

  2. martymankins says:

    It’s a few days late, but I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas.

    Sorry to hear what you wished for wasn’t complete, but to know he’s safe is a good thing.

    Let’s hope the new year will bring lots of great things for you. Maybe we’ll finally get a chance to meet in person.
    .-= martymankins´s last blog ..Top Albums of 2009 =-.

  3. maryo says:

    I hope that you know you are never alone. Even if we arent there you are still thought of and loved. Merry Christmas my very good bitch….I mean friend….Sort of one in the same in our world.

  4. maryo says:

    I hope that you know you are never alone. Even if we arent there you are still thought of and loved. Merry Christmas my very good bitch….I mean friend….Sort of one in the same in our world.

  5. Winter says:

    Lisa – You’re so right. Love you too. 🙂

    Hilly – I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You certainly deserve it this year. Sending you *HUGS*.
    .-= Winter´s last blog ..What You Wish For =-.

  6. Winter says:

    Lisa – You’re so right. Love you too. 🙂

    Hilly – I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. You certainly deserve it this year. Sending you *HUGS*.
    .-= Winter´s last blog ..What You Wish For =-.

  7. Hilly says:

    Merry Christmas, my friend.
    .-= Hilly´s last blog ..Snackie’s NSFW World – You’ve Been Warned! =-.

  8. Hilly says:

    Merry Christmas, my friend.
    .-= Hilly´s last blog ..Snackie’s NSFW World – You’ve Been Warned! =-.

  9. Lisa Griffin says:

    Lex, hon, I know about the loneliness that you feel even when they’re sitting beside you.:( That’s a major reasons Christmas is so hard for me. And then everyone has such high expectations that somehow this year will be different, this year will be good.

    The kids, the older ones at least, look at me and ask…why don’t you have any Christmas spirit? Makes me even sadder, but I continue through the motions, do what I’m suppose to do. I think of the ones who are gone, the void that can never be filled due to their passing and my heart aches.

    Eventually, I look around and realize how blessed I am and wish my spouse could do the same. Not take so much for granted. We don’t know how many years we have left together. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

    Love you lady.

  10. Lisa Griffin says:

    Lex, hon, I know about the loneliness that you feel even when they’re sitting beside you.:( That’s a major reasons Christmas is so hard for me. And then everyone has such high expectations that somehow this year will be different, this year will be good.

    The kids, the older ones at least, look at me and ask…why don’t you have any Christmas spirit? Makes me even sadder, but I continue through the motions, do what I’m suppose to do. I think of the ones who are gone, the void that can never be filled due to their passing and my heart aches.

    Eventually, I look around and realize how blessed I am and wish my spouse could do the same. Not take so much for granted. We don’t know how many years we have left together. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.

    Love you lady.

  11. Winter says:

    Regina – Thank you! I’m so lucky to have you for a friend! *HUGS*

    Mistry – We’ve been worried about you! I’m so happy you are back! Thank you for the words of hope and the hugs! *Hugs back atcha*

    Becky – Thank you, darlin. Much love back to you!
    .-= Winter´s last blog ..What You Wish For =-.

  12. Winter says:

    Regina – Thank you! I’m so lucky to have you for a friend! *HUGS*

    Mistry – We’ve been worried about you! I’m so happy you are back! Thank you for the words of hope and the hugs! *Hugs back atcha*

    Becky – Thank you, darlin. Much love back to you!
    .-= Winter´s last blog ..What You Wish For =-.

  13. much love to you, my dear winter.
    .-= hello haha narf´s last blog ..Well Fuck Me =-.

  14. much love to you, my dear winter.
    .-= hello haha narf´s last blog ..Well Fuck Me =-.

  15. h says:

    Hey you – I’m delighted to be playing a little catch-up, but sorry to read that you are feeling this way. Christmas (and all High Holidays and festive events) seem to carry such import above and beyond that which we pile up ourselves. The media are full of cries to buybuybuy because you are showing love, the lifestyle shows are about making presents out of love and bringing out those special dishes that show you care. People are so stressed out – the short working week alone puts pressure on us all. Added up, the mix of demands, expectation, obligations, social mingling, money, enforced extended-family exposure, traffic/weather make this time of year a potential meltdown point. It is our Summer and yet here, too the domestic violence, breakups, drunken brawls, family “disappointments” and drama sit alongside the carols, festive food and gift-wrapping. On top of all of this, as you point out, our own memories/hopes for that perfect slice of happiness.
    Sending *hugs* and as many positive vibes as you can haul around.
    Mistry89

  16. h says:

    Hey you – I’m delighted to be playing a little catch-up, but sorry to read that you are feeling this way. Christmas (and all High Holidays and festive events) seem to carry such import above and beyond that which we pile up ourselves. The media are full of cries to buybuybuy because you are showing love, the lifestyle shows are about making presents out of love and bringing out those special dishes that show you care. People are so stressed out – the short working week alone puts pressure on us all. Added up, the mix of demands, expectation, obligations, social mingling, money, enforced extended-family exposure, traffic/weather make this time of year a potential meltdown point. It is our Summer and yet here, too the domestic violence, breakups, drunken brawls, family “disappointments” and drama sit alongside the carols, festive food and gift-wrapping. On top of all of this, as you point out, our own memories/hopes for that perfect slice of happiness.
    Sending *hugs* and as many positive vibes as you can haul around.
    Mistry89

  17. Don’t know why it is but memories are harder, sharper-edged at Christmas. But we learn from our pain and begin to hope again. Hugs to you this Christmas, my friend.
    .-= regina carlysle´s last blog ..Lots of new stuff! =-.

  18. Don’t know why it is but memories are harder, sharper-edged at Christmas. But we learn from our pain and begin to hope again. Hugs to you this Christmas, my friend.
    .-= regina carlysle´s last blog ..Lots of new stuff! =-.