Princess & the Pea

My bed sits on the floor. Boxspring, then the mattress, then an air mattress on top. Ever since I started getting old having back issues, I’ve been sleeping with an air mattress on top of the regular mattress. If I could afford one of those memory foam things, I’d get one because the air mattress’ rubber is kinda hot.

Anyhoo, I wrap the air mattress in a nice mattress cover, and nice sheets and it’s a very comfy sleep. When it starts to leak a little air, I use the battery operated pump and make it all nice and firm again. At some point, this stops working. Sometimes, that point comes too soon because something external has popped the mattress. I’m not sayin’ who, er what.

Last night my mattress was fine. During the night I had a series of visitors who annoyed me. One of those visitors popped my mattress. It was way, way too squishy this morning and my ass was firmly on top of the regular mattress. I could feel the little quilted parts. This brings me to the tale of the Princess and the Pea.

You’re thinking kid’s fairy tale, right? Well, you’re half right. Rott and Motley know their fairy tales. They also know me. If there is anything between the mattresses, I flip out. I swear I can feel it. One night, I went to bed and couldn’t get comfy. I tossed and turned and finally yelled.

Rott comes in and says, “What the hell? Who died?”

“There’s something in my bed,” I bitch, getting up and looking in the sheets and blankets for the culprit.

“It’s probably one of those little toilet paper balls,” Rott snarks.

“Ewwww!” I squeal, still checking the bedding.

I can’t find anything, so I start to lift the air mattress. Pillows start to slide and Rott grabs the mattress saying, “Woah, there Nellie. Not so fast. You get the pillows and I’ll lift the mattress.”

I grab up the four pillows and stand there glowering at the bed as Rott lifts the mattress. I stare at the flat expanse of the bed skirt, stretched across the mattress without a hump or a lump or a wrinkle. I frown heavily and Rott gives me another look that is reminiscent of Hilly’s famous RMEITBOMH.

“There’s nothing there. Can I put the mattress down now? You’re imagining things because you’re sleepy,” he tells me.

“I’m not sleepy. And I’m not sleepy because there is something in my fucking bed!” I exclaim. “Look under the other mattress.”

By now, Motley has arrived. “What’s going on?” she asks.

“Here. Hold this,” Rott gripes and hands her the air mattress. He yanks off the bed skirt and lifts the regular mattress. There in the center of the box spring is a dried lima bean the size of my thumbnail.

“AH HA!” I yell and drop the pillows to grab up the bean. “I TOLD YOU!”

Rott and Motley exchange a very suspicious look. My eyes narrow. They ignore me and start putting my bed back together. When it’s all ready to go, Motley picks up my pillows and tosses them to Rott who puts them in the bed and plumps them up.

“Better go to bed. Now, that you can sleep that is,” he mutters in a voice that is decidedly smirky.

I look at him. I look at Motley. They both start to grin and Rott turns to leave.

“Hey! You forgot something!” I tell him.

He turns back to me and I throw the lima bean at him. He catches it in one hand. “Fucker. Not only did you fuck with my bed, you fucked with my groceries,” I grumbled.

Motley, now openly snickering, heads out, saying to Rott, “Told you she’s the Princess and the Pea.”

Rott shakes his head and leaves too. I hear his chuckles echo down the hall as he returns to the living room.

Tonight, I am reminded of that occasion because of my popped mattress. I’m gonna fill it up with air, but since it’s got a small (claw made) leak somewhere, I know that in a few hours my ass will be feeling the quilted cover of the regular mattress, something far, far worse than a lima bean to someone like me.

I may not wake up black and blue like the Princess and the Pea did, but I guaran-damn-tee you that I will have tossed and turned and barely slept… just like a real Princess would have done.

Wishing you a pea-less Thursday!

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0 Responses to Princess & the Pea

  1. Winter says:

    Whall – LMAO All you had to do was ask!

    Winters last blog post..Smut Writer

  2. Winter says:

    Whall – LMAO All you had to do was ask!

    Winters last blog post..Smut Writer

  3. whall says:

    This just in: I googled “RMEITBOMH” because I , ashamedly, didn’t know what it meant.

    Now I do. Thank you google, Winter and Hilly.

  4. whall says:

    This just in: I googled “RMEITBOMH” because I , ashamedly, didn’t know what it meant.

    Now I do. Thank you google, Winter and Hilly.

  5. Winter says:

    Jason – I bet you do! *EG* My head is filled with characters who talk too much so my sleep is always fitful.

    Winters last blog post..Cupcakes!

  6. Winter says:

    Jason – I bet you do! *EG* My head is filled with characters who talk too much so my sleep is always fitful.

    Winters last blog post..Cupcakes!

  7. Jason X says:

    That’s pretty wild. I, on the other hand, can sleep anywhere, anytime. Couch, floor, plane… I must have a clear conscience (heh heh).

    Jason Xs last blog post..How to Derail Your Psycho Lover

  8. Jason X says:

    That’s pretty wild. I, on the other hand, can sleep anywhere, anytime. Couch, floor, plane… I must have a clear conscience (heh heh).

    Jason Xs last blog post..How to Derail Your Psycho Lover

  9. Winter says:

    Princess – My tiara isn’t mine. It’s Dave’s!

    Shiny – Yeah, Princess and the Bean. That would be me. LOL

    Livvy – I am a dirty girl, with a dirty imagination. This is true. 😉

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  10. Winter says:

    Princess – My tiara isn’t mine. It’s Dave’s!

    Shiny – Yeah, Princess and the Bean. That would be me. LOL

    Livvy – I am a dirty girl, with a dirty imagination. This is true. 😉

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  11. This is so funny Winter! I too am a Princess and Pea type. Bed is such a very important place so I couldn’t agree more that Men Must Not Mess With A Princess’…hmm…I ran out of rhymes and alliteration there but I’m sure you can add something filthy for me… 😉

    Livvy xxx

    The English Courtesans last blog post..The English Courtesan In The Chevalier’s Château…

  12. This is so funny Winter! I too am a Princess and Pea type. Bed is such a very important place so I couldn’t agree more that Men Must Not Mess With A Princess’…hmm…I ran out of rhymes and alliteration there but I’m sure you can add something filthy for me… 😉

    Livvy xxx

    The English Courtesans last blog post..The English Courtesan In The Chevalier’s Château…

  13. Shiny Bitch says:

    OMG…that story was hilarious! Can’t believe you felt a LIMA BEAN of all things!! That was a nice little joke they played on you to prove that you really are the princess from the princess and the pea, er, I mean, lima bean. 🙂

  14. Shiny Bitch says:

    OMG…that story was hilarious! Can’t believe you felt a LIMA BEAN of all things!! That was a nice little joke they played on you to prove that you really are the princess from the princess and the pea, er, I mean, lima bean. 🙂

  15. My tiara is almost identical to yours! 🙂
    xo

    Princess of the Universes last blog post..Painful and Overwhelming and Rewarding and Wonderful All at Once…

  16. My tiara is almost identical to yours! 🙂
    xo

    Princess of the Universes last blog post..Painful and Overwhelming and Rewarding and Wonderful All at Once…

  17. Winter says:

    Nat – I’ve squished Marcus (the stuffed giraffe) before, but it usually wakes me up.

    Hilly – WTF is it with remotes? Everyone I know has kiestered the remote while sleeping. Rott and Motley and I included. LOL

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  18. Winter says:

    Nat – I’ve squished Marcus (the stuffed giraffe) before, but it usually wakes me up.

    Hilly – WTF is it with remotes? Everyone I know has kiestered the remote while sleeping. Rott and Motley and I included. LOL

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  19. Hilly says:

    I love this story. I am in the middle of people who sleep on kids toys and the pea princess. I have to straighten my sheets perfectly before I get into bed however, I have been known to sleep with my remote shoved in my body quiet a few times!

    Hillys last blog post..An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

  20. Hilly says:

    I love this story. I am in the middle of people who sleep on kids toys and the pea princess. I have to straighten my sheets perfectly before I get into bed however, I have been known to sleep with my remote shoved in my body quiet a few times!

    Hillys last blog post..An Angel’s Face Is Tricky To Wear Constantly…

  21. Nat says:

    I am so oblivious I once slept ON one of The Boy’s stuffed animals and didn’t realize it until I got up in the morning.

    Nats last blog post..I forgot about the stars

  22. Nat says:

    I am so oblivious I once slept ON one of The Boy’s stuffed animals and didn’t realize it until I got up in the morning.

    Nats last blog post..I forgot about the stars

  23. Winter says:

    Susan – You mean I get to be one of your characters? Cool!

  24. Winter says:

    Susan – You mean I get to be one of your characters? Cool!

  25. OMG, can I use this in fiction somewhere? I have a character who this behavior would be PERFECT for!

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Susan’s Book Talk: The Kommandant’s Girl

  26. OMG, can I use this in fiction somewhere? I have a character who this behavior would be PERFECT for!

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Susan’s Book Talk: The Kommandant’s Girl

  27. Winter says:

    Mary – It sucks to have to get up and go out once you’re in bed. I hate that with a passion.

    MM – I’ll have to check out the Target foam because the air mattress, while comfy, is hot. I don’t like hot.

    Marty – Lately, since I’ve been taking all the B vitamins, once I’m sound asleep, I’m asleep. Although, it only lasts a 2-3 hours. That is much better than I was getting though. Usually, I’m an extremely light sleeper and I hear everything. But since I started with the B’s… I get a few hours of solid, passed out sleep. LOL And yeah, Motley and Rott were pretty funny… in retrospect. Certainly not at the time though.

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  28. Winter says:

    Mary – It sucks to have to get up and go out once you’re in bed. I hate that with a passion.

    MM – I’ll have to check out the Target foam because the air mattress, while comfy, is hot. I don’t like hot.

    Marty – Lately, since I’ve been taking all the B vitamins, once I’m sound asleep, I’m asleep. Although, it only lasts a 2-3 hours. That is much better than I was getting though. Usually, I’m an extremely light sleeper and I hear everything. But since I started with the B’s… I get a few hours of solid, passed out sleep. LOL And yeah, Motley and Rott were pretty funny… in retrospect. Certainly not at the time though.

    Winters last blog post..Princess & the Pea

  29. martymankins says:

    Wow… that really is a Princess and Pea story. I don’t notice much once I’m asleep. I prefer a firm mattress, but it’s got to be a pretty bad mattress for me to toss and turn and be uncomfortable.

    Rott and Motley’s conversation was hysterical.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #18

  30. martymankins says:

    Wow… that really is a Princess and Pea story. I don’t notice much once I’m asleep. I prefer a firm mattress, but it’s got to be a pretty bad mattress for me to toss and turn and be uncomfortable.

    Rott and Motley’s conversation was hysterical.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #18

  31. metalmom says:

    I am exactly the same way. I will find the little ball of lint on the inside of my jammie pants and freak out until I find it!

    Target sells a memory foam pad that isn’t as thick (or as pricey) as the ones on tv but it certainly does the job. I can’t recommend it enough!! I love it. It eased my hip and shoulder pressure. I don’t know why I ever waited so long to get one!

    metalmoms last blog post..Rock the Vote

  32. metalmom says:

    I am exactly the same way. I will find the little ball of lint on the inside of my jammie pants and freak out until I find it!

    Target sells a memory foam pad that isn’t as thick (or as pricey) as the ones on tv but it certainly does the job. I can’t recommend it enough!! I love it. It eased my hip and shoulder pressure. I don’t know why I ever waited so long to get one!

    metalmoms last blog post..Rock the Vote

  33. Maryo says:

    I am thinking you are picky with your sleeping arrangement. Good luck with the sleep thing tonight.
    I was so tired I feel asleep at 830 last night but was woken up bout 11 by the hubbie. Was called and told 2 guys were fighting on the complex. Have fun honey, I am going back to sleep. Couldnt of course cause I started thinking Hubbie would get hit and than I would have to beat the boys down. Nothing else happened and he came back. Thank god cause I didnt want to kick someone’s ass that late at night. Just totally ruins my sleep.

  34. Maryo says:

    I am thinking you are picky with your sleeping arrangement. Good luck with the sleep thing tonight.
    I was so tired I feel asleep at 830 last night but was woken up bout 11 by the hubbie. Was called and told 2 guys were fighting on the complex. Have fun honey, I am going back to sleep. Couldnt of course cause I started thinking Hubbie would get hit and than I would have to beat the boys down. Nothing else happened and he came back. Thank god cause I didnt want to kick someone’s ass that late at night. Just totally ruins my sleep.

  35. Winter says:

    Crys – I am fussy about my bed. And I’m not sure how I felt that stupid lima bean… but I did. LOL Luckily, I overfilled the mattress last night and it held up pretty well. My ass wasn’t on the other mattress come 6 am. So hopefully it can last a week until payday and a new mattress arrives.

    Matt – Yeah, come to think of it, that is a pretty leading line.

  36. Winter says:

    Crys – I am fussy about my bed. And I’m not sure how I felt that stupid lima bean… but I did. LOL Luckily, I overfilled the mattress last night and it held up pretty well. My ass wasn’t on the other mattress come 6 am. So hopefully it can last a week until payday and a new mattress arrives.

    Matt – Yeah, come to think of it, that is a pretty leading line.

  37. Matt-Man says:

    I couldn’t follow the story too well because I got hung up on this line:

    I use the battery operated pump and make it all nice and firm again.

    Sounds Hot. Cheers Winter!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Un-Conventional Wisdom

  38. Matt-Man says:

    I couldn’t follow the story too well because I got hung up on this line:

    I use the battery operated pump and make it all nice and firm again.

    Sounds Hot. Cheers Winter!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Un-Conventional Wisdom

  39. Crys says:

    wow! i thought *i* was particular about my mattress(es). i see we have things in common

    Cryss last blog post..Buy the book

  40. Crys says:

    wow! i thought *i* was particular about my mattress(es). i see we have things in common

    Cryss last blog post..Buy the book