IM = Social Rudeness

I hate instant messengers these days. The reason I hate them is because people don’t have any courtesy when they use them. They think that because it’s just a form of online social networking that they don’t have to use the common courtesy that they use with people with whom they are speaking face to face. Here’s some of the stuff that’s been nagging me lately about IMs:

Scenario 1: You see a friend online on your IM. You send them a HI. They respond and you start talking. Then your friend just stops answering you. After 10 or 15 minutes go by, you wonder if they are on the phone or working or something. However, an hour or more goes by and you notice that the person still shows as online, yet you never once got an explanation from them for why they stopped talking to you.

Scenario 2: You see someone online. They do not have a busy message up. You send them a message and they snap back at you, telling you that they are busy.

Scenario 3: Someone sees you online. They send you a message. You talk for a few minutes and then they just stop, like in #1 above.

Scenario 4: Someone IMs you as soon as you come on, to ask you about someone else. No, how are you? No, are you busy? No anything. Just blurting out what they want, getting the answer and then, without a thank you, they stop talking to you.

There are a lot more scenarios. Those are just the top ones that several people have been perpetrating in my world lately. I know that IM software is buggy. Sometimes it shows people online when they are gone. I give people the benefit of the doubt… until those scenarios become regular occurrences.

So here’s the thing. Why is it that people feel it’s okay to be rude, because you’re talking to someone online and not on the phone or in person? In this age of technology, those scenarios up there are just as rude as hanging up on someone. Why do so many people not get that?

At any rate, here’s what I’d like to see the perpetrators of those scenarios do so that they stop pissing off me and others:

  • If you don’t want to talk to all the people on your IM list, make yourself invisible to the ones you DON’T want to speak to. Then, if they are courteous, they will not IM you.
  • If you do start talking to someone but become distracted by other IMs or Tweets, tell the person you gotta go, you are talking to someone else and you just can’t concentrate on all the convos. I don’t get pissed when people say this to me. I prefer to know that they’re busy with someone else rather than they can’t be bothered to tell me they don’t wanna talk to me anymore.
  • Start your IM convo by asking how the person is. If they are busy… this lets them know that you will not take offense if they don’t have time for you, and shows them that you aren’t just some rude SOB who lives in an egocentric world.
  • Use your busy or away message if you busy and/or away. Don’t just snap at people because YOU didn’t put up an alert or warning.
  • When you IM someone, and start a convo, don’t just stop talking because someone or something else is more interesting or more urgent. If you started the convo and you can’t continue it, then you need to end the convo. Tell the other person you have to go.
  • Don’t forget the common courtesy that was instilled in you as a child. The people online are just as real as the people you see every day face to face. They have feelings and they deserve to be treated with the same level of courtesy as any other person.

All of us have been the victim and the perpetrator in these instances I’ve depicted. I’ve started becoming more aware of how I treat others online because of the way I’ve been treated by a handful of people whom I thought – knew – were my friends. We all need to realize too that just because someone is your friend doesn’t mean they understand what is going on with you and isn’t hurt when you treat them rudely in IM.

I’m not sure how to solve these issues. I’m probably going to have to bite the bullet and send an email to all the perps because they don’t read my blog. I wanna be nice about it, but at the same time, it’s hard because I’m disappointed in their behavior. I don’t want people to be mad at me, but I also don’t want to feel bad when I speak to them in IM and they just don’t show me any courtesy. Obviously, it’s something that has to be tailored to each friend in an individual way, but I don’t like having to do it. I wish I could just understand how people can get like this. It reminds me of how people drop all their friends when they have a new love interest. It’s rude, and hurtful.

Ok, I’m stepping down from the soapbox. Do you have an IM or Twitter pet peeve? Something that common courtesy would resolve? Feel free to rant about it in comments.

Have happy social media Sunday!

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0 Responses to IM = Social Rudeness

  1. Trysha says:

    Well said! I don’t chat much, but I do use Twitter. Only recently I’ve really started to use twitter to carry mini-conversations and I always feel like an ass when I have a reply and I thought the conversation was over.

  2. Trysha says:

    Well said! I don’t chat much, but I do use Twitter. Only recently I’ve really started to use twitter to carry mini-conversations and I always feel like an ass when I have a reply and I thought the conversation was over.

  3. Laura says:

    Winter – that is a relief kinda to hear, not the latter – of course – the latter is very rude, why couldn’t they ask that when you spoke to them? some people eh? I was worried how I’d come across. Also apologies for going off last night early, me fiance had jury service (groan) in the morning so he wanted to get some sleep. =] Take care.

  4. Laura says:

    Winter – that is a relief kinda to hear, not the latter – of course – the latter is very rude, why couldn’t they ask that when you spoke to them? some people eh? I was worried how I’d come across. Also apologies for going off last night early, me fiance had jury service (groan) in the morning so he wanted to get some sleep. =] Take care.

  5. Winter says:

    Renee – I hear you. Motley is always talking to me while texting. It makes me feel like she’s not paying attention to what I’m saying to her. Sometimes it’s okay to text. As an example, at Dave Diego, we were all sending pics and messages on Twitter the whole time. We were all talking and twatting at the same time. I know that the people who weren’t at Dave Diego appreciated the pics and info. When Motley and I went out with Hilly and Karl it was the same. No one was offended because we were all doing it and it was funny to see what each were saying!

    Winters last blog post..Coolness

  6. Winter says:

    Renee – I hear you. Motley is always talking to me while texting. It makes me feel like she’s not paying attention to what I’m saying to her. Sometimes it’s okay to text. As an example, at Dave Diego, we were all sending pics and messages on Twitter the whole time. We were all talking and twatting at the same time. I know that the people who weren’t at Dave Diego appreciated the pics and info. When Motley and I went out with Hilly and Karl it was the same. No one was offended because we were all doing it and it was funny to see what each were saying!

    Winters last blog post..Coolness

  7. Renee says:

    I hear you with the IM rudeness… something that really grinds my gears though is text messaging. My roommate is almost constantly texting. Ever since she discovered the wonder that is text messaging, I haven’t had a single conversation with her when she hasn’t texted someone in the middle of talking to me. Absolutely rude in my book!

  8. Renee says:

    I hear you with the IM rudeness… something that really grinds my gears though is text messaging. My roommate is almost constantly texting. Ever since she discovered the wonder that is text messaging, I haven’t had a single conversation with her when she hasn’t texted someone in the middle of talking to me. Absolutely rude in my book!

  9. Winter says:

    Marty – I know when you’re at work though so I don’t worry about it then. Most of us who work don’t think anything of it during business hours. I don’t think you’ve ever done that to me at home though. If you did, it was a one off cause you weren’t on my list of culprits!

    Laura – I’m used to the Bar questions blurting out of our writers in place of Hello. LOL I’ve been at the Bar long enough that a missing Hello doesn’t bug me in the least. However, another friend that I don’t talk to daily, blurting out questions and stuff like I’d spoken to them an hour ago is kinda rude. And really, I hate being left hanging more than people forgetting to say hello.

  10. Winter says:

    Marty – I know when you’re at work though so I don’t worry about it then. Most of us who work don’t think anything of it during business hours. I don’t think you’ve ever done that to me at home though. If you did, it was a one off cause you weren’t on my list of culprits!

    Laura – I’m used to the Bar questions blurting out of our writers in place of Hello. LOL I’ve been at the Bar long enough that a missing Hello doesn’t bug me in the least. However, another friend that I don’t talk to daily, blurting out questions and stuff like I’d spoken to them an hour ago is kinda rude. And really, I hate being left hanging more than people forgetting to say hello.

  11. Laura says:

    Apologies also since I’m kinda guilty of Scenario #4. Likewise, I will try to remember to say something otherwise instead of just getting down on bar stuff. Sorry once again, hugs. Sometimes its a little awkward to think of something to say, but anyway, once again, apologies. :]

  12. Laura says:

    Apologies also since I’m kinda guilty of Scenario #4. Likewise, I will try to remember to say something otherwise instead of just getting down on bar stuff. Sorry once again, hugs. Sometimes its a little awkward to think of something to say, but anyway, once again, apologies. :]

  13. martymankins says:

    I’m very guilty of Scenario #1. I do try to at least put a BRB or change my status, but if it’s during work hours, I may forget. If it’s at home, then there’s no excuse. I do make a more conscious effort to remember to be more IM etiquette in the future, but I can’t guarantee 100% compliance.

    But I can tell you it’s not because I didn’t want to stop talking to you.

  14. martymankins says:

    I’m very guilty of Scenario #1. I do try to at least put a BRB or change my status, but if it’s during work hours, I may forget. If it’s at home, then there’s no excuse. I do make a more conscious effort to remember to be more IM etiquette in the future, but I can’t guarantee 100% compliance.

    But I can tell you it’s not because I didn’t want to stop talking to you.

  15. Winter says:

    Karl – That’s the thing. You use the tools the software gives you! People just need to let the program do it. It can be polite for you. But lots of people just don’t get it. It’s a degradation of courtesy all around. What’s the world coming to? (Yeah, I know. Armageddon and all that. Heh.)

    Winters last blog post..Coolness

  16. Winter says:

    Karl – That’s the thing. You use the tools the software gives you! People just need to let the program do it. It can be polite for you. But lots of people just don’t get it. It’s a degradation of courtesy all around. What’s the world coming to? (Yeah, I know. Armageddon and all that. Heh.)

    Winters last blog post..Coolness

  17. Karl says:

    Well said, Winter, well said. I don’t chat all that much but I’ve been trying to make myself available more often. I have no trouble telling someone that I’m busy, but I also use the Busy/Not Busy options as much as possible.

    Karls last blog post..Olympics Spirit

  18. Karl says:

    Well said, Winter, well said. I don’t chat all that much but I’ve been trying to make myself available more often. I have no trouble telling someone that I’m busy, but I also use the Busy/Not Busy options as much as possible.

    Karls last blog post..Olympics Spirit

  19. Winter says:

    Hello – I think everyone understands how it is when you’re at work. But when you know someone is at home and that they are just BSing around the net, if their honey comes online they should just say cya later, here’s my squeeze! LOL

  20. Winter says:

    Hello – I think everyone understands how it is when you’re at work. But when you know someone is at home and that they are just BSing around the net, if their honey comes online they should just say cya later, here’s my squeeze! LOL

  21. when i am at work everyone should know that i might not even have time to type brb. otherwise, i try to be as courteous as i would be in real life. but being at the office changes shit. cya, bay-bee!

    hello haha narfs last blog post..Cowabunga Blood Clot

  22. when i am at work everyone should know that i might not even have time to type brb. otherwise, i try to be as courteous as i would be in real life. but being at the office changes shit. cya, bay-bee!

    hello haha narfs last blog post..Cowabunga Blood Clot

  23. Winter says:

    Justin – There should be more people out there with that kind of courtesy. I mean, you wouldn’t just start talking to someone else (or walk away) and stop talking to the person you’re with if it was face to face, would you? If you wouldn’t do it in person, you shouldn’t do it in an email, IM, or tweet.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  24. Winter says:

    Justin – There should be more people out there with that kind of courtesy. I mean, you wouldn’t just start talking to someone else (or walk away) and stop talking to the person you’re with if it was face to face, would you? If you wouldn’t do it in person, you shouldn’t do it in an email, IM, or tweet.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  25. Justin Scott says:

    You know, I typically totally agree with this subject. Something crazy happened today though, someone apologized to me, went out of his way to send me a Facebook message, when my internet kept going out on me. I kept logging back in and breaking up our conversation but when he left for a few, this is what he had to say. http://snurl.com/3ehs3

    Awesome! Maybe things will start following his example 🙂

  26. Justin Scott says:

    You know, I typically totally agree with this subject. Something crazy happened today though, someone apologized to me, went out of his way to send me a Facebook message, when my internet kept going out on me. I kept logging back in and breaking up our conversation but when he left for a few, this is what he had to say. http://snurl.com/3ehs3

    Awesome! Maybe things will start following his example 🙂

  27. Winter says:

    Shiny – Thank you!

    Diesel – OMG. Are you serious? Someone is that dumb? Oh, wait. I do know people that dumb. But I can’t believe you know people that dumb. That’s really annoying. I’m glad no one does it to me.

  28. Winter says:

    Shiny – Thank you!

    Diesel – OMG. Are you serious? Someone is that dumb? Oh, wait. I do know people that dumb. But I can’t believe you know people that dumb. That’s really annoying. I’m glad no one does it to me.

  29. diesel says:

    What really irritates me is when somebody literally “pings” me. That is, they type “ping”, meaning, “Are you there?” In case you don’t know, pinging is something you do to a MACHINE to see if it will respond. Grrr.

    diesels last blog post..Would You Buy this Novel?

  30. diesel says:

    What really irritates me is when somebody literally “pings” me. That is, they type “ping”, meaning, “Are you there?” In case you don’t know, pinging is something you do to a MACHINE to see if it will respond. Grrr.

    diesels last blog post..Would You Buy this Novel?

  31. Shiny Bitch says:

    I don’t know what to say other than, AMEN.

  32. Shiny Bitch says:

    I don’t know what to say other than, AMEN.

  33. Winter says:

    Hilly – I love that you’ve worked out a way to let the people you wanna talk to know that you’re on while making others thing you’re not! LOL I know a lot of people aren’t into chatting. I don’t chat much. It’s mostly the Bar writers that I talk to. Luckily, on YIM, ICQ, and AIM I can be invis to individual users, which I do when I’m working with the Bar writers. There just always seems to be a small contingent of other people I know who do the things I listed. I have a male friend I’ve known for years, since before I met Rott, and he is guilty of all them! I hate getting into any convo with him on IM because he will just stop talking when a girl comes online that he wants to talk to. If he just said BYE, I’d be okay with that. But, no one likes being taken for granted, even a friend you’ve known for years.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  34. Winter says:

    Hilly – I love that you’ve worked out a way to let the people you wanna talk to know that you’re on while making others thing you’re not! LOL I know a lot of people aren’t into chatting. I don’t chat much. It’s mostly the Bar writers that I talk to. Luckily, on YIM, ICQ, and AIM I can be invis to individual users, which I do when I’m working with the Bar writers. There just always seems to be a small contingent of other people I know who do the things I listed. I have a male friend I’ve known for years, since before I met Rott, and he is guilty of all them! I hate getting into any convo with him on IM because he will just stop talking when a girl comes online that he wants to talk to. If he just said BYE, I’d be okay with that. But, no one likes being taken for granted, even a friend you’ve known for years.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  35. Hilly says:

    Also, I only really use Google Talk about 90% of the time and invisibility to individual users is unavailable on that medium, unless I block people, which I don’t like to do.

    Hillys last blog post..Snackie Sunday Retro Revival: Culpa

  36. Hilly says:

    Also, I only really use Google Talk about 90% of the time and invisibility to individual users is unavailable on that medium, unless I block people, which I don’t like to do.

    Hillys last blog post..Snackie Sunday Retro Revival: Culpa

  37. Hilly says:

    I am not a huge fan of chatting at all. One of the things that I used to be guilty of is being “available”, having people say hi, then saying hi back and telling them that I was busy. The truth is that there are 1-2 people that I want to chat with daily for specific reasons and I was keeping myself “available” just for them.

    What I’ve done is worked out an away message that lets those couple of people know I am there but has everyone else thinking I am not. This is not because I am elitist chat snob either…I just don’t want to chat generally because I AM the person who just gets up and walks away.

    Hillys last blog post..Snackie Sunday Retro Revival: Culpa

  38. Hilly says:

    I am not a huge fan of chatting at all. One of the things that I used to be guilty of is being “available”, having people say hi, then saying hi back and telling them that I was busy. The truth is that there are 1-2 people that I want to chat with daily for specific reasons and I was keeping myself “available” just for them.

    What I’ve done is worked out an away message that lets those couple of people know I am there but has everyone else thinking I am not. This is not because I am elitist chat snob either…I just don’t want to chat generally because I AM the person who just gets up and walks away.

    Hillys last blog post..Snackie Sunday Retro Revival: Culpa

  39. Winter says:

    Mary – I started sucking down all the B vitamins. I’ve started feeling better since I have. More awake. And the hot model widget I found this morning. It made the morning much more fun!

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  40. Winter says:

    Mary – I started sucking down all the B vitamins. I’ve started feeling better since I have. More awake. And the hot model widget I found this morning. It made the morning much more fun!

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  41. Maryo says:

    You know I have. Even though I go there to start talking. Me and Yahoo have a love hate relationship. I love my name on there it hates me.
    My little perv is basically me not getting the time or energy to get on. It sucks cause I want to talk to ya’ll but my energy is used up during the day. I am thinking there may be something wrong with me. I am just not as enregyful as I used to be. Is that a word? IT is now anyway.
    AND when were you going to tell me about hot model corner you got there? That is the first time I have seen it and I come here everyday. I will forgive you after I get something sweet in me.

  42. Maryo says:

    You know I have. Even though I go there to start talking. Me and Yahoo have a love hate relationship. I love my name on there it hates me.
    My little perv is basically me not getting the time or energy to get on. It sucks cause I want to talk to ya’ll but my energy is used up during the day. I am thinking there may be something wrong with me. I am just not as enregyful as I used to be. Is that a word? IT is now anyway.
    AND when were you going to tell me about hot model corner you got there? That is the first time I have seen it and I come here everyday. I will forgive you after I get something sweet in me.

  43. Winter says:

    Susan – I know how YIM can be. I still use ICQ and some people I know have ditched YIM for it because it’s a much more stable platform.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  44. Winter says:

    Susan – I know how YIM can be. I still use ICQ and some people I know have ditched YIM for it because it’s a much more stable platform.

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  45. Yahoo often logs me in or changes my status to available for me. Thankfully, I’ve only got four friends who rarely initiate conversations, but if you ever try and I’m not here, that’s why. Yahoo’s possessed.

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Roadie Poet: Ask

  46. Yahoo often logs me in or changes my status to available for me. Thankfully, I’ve only got four friends who rarely initiate conversations, but if you ever try and I’m not here, that’s why. Yahoo’s possessed.

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Roadie Poet: Ask

  47. Winter says:

    Dave – I’ve left mine off on occasion for just those reasons! Of course, Guest 11 was also bugging me in Twitter. He’s been much better behaved lately though. 😉

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  48. Winter says:

    Dave – I’ve left mine off on occasion for just those reasons! Of course, Guest 11 was also bugging me in Twitter. He’s been much better behaved lately though. 😉

    Winters last blog post..IM = Social Rudeness

  49. Dave2 says:

    I knew there was a reason I don’t IM anymore!
    🙂

    Dave2s last blog post..Mutant

  50. Dave2 says:

    I knew there was a reason I don’t IM anymore!
    🙂

    Dave2s last blog post..Mutant