Solar Plexus

*sigh* My self esteem has taken a hit in the solar plexus. Lucky for me, I’m used to gasping for air. However, it’s left my mindset that of the poor kid staring in the window of FAO Schwarz at Christmas. Or Ebeneezer Scrooge looking in the window at the happiness of Bob Cratchit’s family despite their lack of money. So I’m a little disconnected, a little lost today. You’ll have to forgive me my moodiness.

One night ShinyBitch told me she needed a poem for her character Sascha. Sascha was going to write a poem to her mate. Shiny was looking for poetry on the internet. A few minutes later, I gave her this:

Winter breeze cold and chill
The screams of broken hearts so shrill
You stand before me so tall and real
But hold me always, let me feel.

The path to love is long and hard
The potholes linger, like your guard
Upon me always watching, ever there
Catch my stumbles with your care

You hold me up when I’m alone
When I can’t bear the river’s moan
The shrieks of pain from winter’s night
You always shield me from its fright

To me you are the only one
Who breathes and sighs and always comes
To my side in darkness free
And lives to love no one but me.

Another time, my friend Jen, who uses the name Opalgirl on message boards and IM, was bemoaning the fact that people were writing poems for each other on the Zanctuary board, but no one had written her a poem. A few minutes later I gave her this:

She glows with a regal light
Twists and turns give forth
Fire beneath the surface
Brilliance not as like the diamond
But instead a warmth felt
From the heart out to the skin
Her moonglow in muted hues
Outshines her sisters
With understated elegance
A genius caught within
The unknown, the mysterious
She is aglow with magic
Her fire banked always
But flashing brighter than the sun
To make those self same sisters
Pale in comparison
And kneel as supplicants
To the Opal.

I’m not into writing poetry these days, although on occasion I can just slap something together like those two poems. I’m sure that neither of them would survive a critique, but both made people I care about happy, and that was all that mattered to me. With the hit to my self esteem, I’ve been sort of bashing myself internally, wondering if all the things I write only matter to a few people. I’ve been questioning my creativity, my skills. I’m no literary genius, but I somehow thought I had it in me to be something more than a technically proficient cliche.

You expect to be critiqued and judged when you put the things you write out there in this electronic media world for others to read. Somehow I’ve come away from a few recent writing experiences with the sense that I’m not expressing myself very well. When I write a piece that is meant to give the reader a sense of the character’s quietly growing despair, a spiraling swirling darkness that is sucking them in, and the reader doesn’t feel that… I can tell myself that it’s just one person. When others chime in with a “meh” attitude about it, I begin to wonder what I could have done to make that sense of quiet despair more palpable. And the answer, of course, is nothing.

I yam what I yam. My creativeness has been honed over a lot of years, and if it’s just not there… then it’s not. I’m not going to drink some magic bean juice and wake up in the morning with a brilliantly creative bean stalk of ideas sprouting from my brain as if I was a JR Ward, Nora Roberts, or Charlaine Harris. (Harris’ books have spawned a new HBO series called True Blood.) I guess I have to admit that I’m just not that creative in an original sense.

I don’t have any trouble being run of the mill and cliche on most days. I was just a little more sensitive today what with the way things have been shaking out at home and work. Tomorrow I’ll probably wonder why I ever felt as if my self esteem had taken a hit to the gut. I’ll probably look at my writing and be happy with it again. Today, I’m just gonna sigh again.

Hope your Wednesday is sigh free!

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0 Responses to Solar Plexus

  1. whall says:

    What I find interesting is the comment you left on my blog post, one of the very very few with an impromptu poem on it (an attempt at humor), your “last blog post” was a post with a poem in it!

    And I don’t like UnkeyMonkey saying I’m painful and confusing. Not all Waynes are like that!

    whalls last blog post..VLOG Episode #6: Wayne’s 3-minute DITL

  2. whall says:

    What I find interesting is the comment you left on my blog post, one of the very very few with an impromptu poem on it (an attempt at humor), your “last blog post” was a post with a poem in it!

    And I don’t like UnkeyMonkey saying I’m painful and confusing. Not all Waynes are like that!

    whalls last blog post..VLOG Episode #6: Wayne’s 3-minute DITL

  3. Winter says:

    Justin – Everyone has levels they are comfortable with. Usually, if someone tries something and gets nothing but praise for it, they begin to overcome their fear of rejection and negative reactions. Some people just never get over those fears. Personally, I think you ARE the best thing to come out of your mother’s vagina. After all, regardless of all the writing I have done over the years, I would never have come up with that phrase!

    Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?

  4. Winter says:

    Justin – Everyone has levels they are comfortable with. Usually, if someone tries something and gets nothing but praise for it, they begin to overcome their fear of rejection and negative reactions. Some people just never get over those fears. Personally, I think you ARE the best thing to come out of your mother’s vagina. After all, regardless of all the writing I have done over the years, I would never have come up with that phrase!

    Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?

  5. Justin Scott says:

    I am never really happy with my writing. I would never put out any of my poetry. Who knows, I might be the greatest thing to come out of my mother’s vagina… or I might suck at it. But not knowing, to me, is better than knowing that I suck. It took me a long time before I would even show my photography to people or sing. I was hailed as the best male voice in my university’s premier coed A Capella group… but I only took one solo because I was too afraid. So where does that leave me?

  6. Justin Scott says:

    I am never really happy with my writing. I would never put out any of my poetry. Who knows, I might be the greatest thing to come out of my mother’s vagina… or I might suck at it. But not knowing, to me, is better than knowing that I suck. It took me a long time before I would even show my photography to people or sing. I was hailed as the best male voice in my university’s premier coed A Capella group… but I only took one solo because I was too afraid. So where does that leave me?

  7. Winter says:

    Britt – I agree with you on deflated. That’s a very apt word. Usually, once a piece is finished there is an elation that I feel. To have a series of people say, “Meh” about it is just like sticking a pin into a helium filled balloon. I hope the deflation doesn’t last for you when it happens, because really, if one person doesn’t like it… someone else WILL like it.

    Marty – Thanks very much. I like to think my mind is quite creative, but sometimes things flow out of it so effortlessly I wonder if it’s bad. Then when someone has a very lukewarm response to it or doesn’t get the point of it, it seems to reinforce the idea that it must not be very good.

    Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?

  8. Winter says:

    Britt – I agree with you on deflated. That’s a very apt word. Usually, once a piece is finished there is an elation that I feel. To have a series of people say, “Meh” about it is just like sticking a pin into a helium filled balloon. I hope the deflation doesn’t last for you when it happens, because really, if one person doesn’t like it… someone else WILL like it.

    Marty – Thanks very much. I like to think my mind is quite creative, but sometimes things flow out of it so effortlessly I wonder if it’s bad. Then when someone has a very lukewarm response to it or doesn’t get the point of it, it seems to reinforce the idea that it must not be very good.

    Winters last blog post..Is Annoyed a Color?

  9. martymankins says:

    You are a great writer. Those poems were very good. The creative mind can come up with some very telling words and phrases.

    martymankinss last blog post..Flashback – 1967

  10. martymankins says:

    You are a great writer. Those poems were very good. The creative mind can come up with some very telling words and phrases.

    martymankinss last blog post..Flashback – 1967

  11. Miss Britt says:

    I actually can empathize with this a lot.

    And it’s not so much that I don’t FEEL creative, or that I’m not creating – it’s the response from the rest of the world sometimes that leaves me deflated.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Did I Ever Tell You About The Time Jared Peed All Over?

  12. Miss Britt says:

    I actually can empathize with this a lot.

    And it’s not so much that I don’t FEEL creative, or that I’m not creating – it’s the response from the rest of the world sometimes that leaves me deflated.

    Miss Britts last blog post..Did I Ever Tell You About The Time Jared Peed All Over?

  13. Winter says:

    Mary – You’re one of those people who always likes what I write. I know that what I write isn’t going to be liked by everyone. Some days I know that… I just don’t have the ability to shrug it off. I’ve come to rely on you and Shiny to bolster me when I feel bad about what I’ve written. You two are the best cheerleaders and friends!

    Jen – Boy, to know I know those feelings! I do take great comfort in the fact that that last thing you read, you liked. It felt complicated to me, at least emotionally, and I knew there would be people who just wouldn’t recognize the depth. I knew you got it, and that made me feel much, much better! So thank you for that! I’ll have to listen to the words to that song. Usually, with Linkin Park, I just absorb the music.

    Vix – Thanks for the compliment. And you gotta know that even words that might seem trite, aren’t when the reader knows that the writer means the sentiment behind them. I know your heart so you could never say anything that would seem trite to me. 🙂

    TSM – We all have those days. You don’t even have to be creative in nature to feel the pull of the dark forces that make us question ourselves. And the truth of the matter is, even though we sometimes feel alone, none of is really is. We all suffer the human condition together.

    SG – Sometimes when others don’t “get” your writing, it’s because you need to step back from it and look at it with new eyes. Maybe there is something in there that you as the writer know but isn’t articulated well enough for the reader to get. Sometimes the reader doesn’t “get” your writing, because they just don’t. They don’t have it in them to understand the motivations of the characters, regardless of whether you clearly stated them or not. You shouldn’t let it always discourage you. Writing is a craft, and you gotta keep at it, keep honing it and molding it. Thanks for coming by and commenting!

    UMB – I’m so glad you like my poetry! I have one I should send you and let you and Jester put it to music. It’s called Silver Queen and it’s meant to be a song. Creativity is a hard taskmistress, that is for sure. She shines her light on you one day and the next she’s using you as a sub. LOL

  14. Winter says:

    Mary – You’re one of those people who always likes what I write. I know that what I write isn’t going to be liked by everyone. Some days I know that… I just don’t have the ability to shrug it off. I’ve come to rely on you and Shiny to bolster me when I feel bad about what I’ve written. You two are the best cheerleaders and friends!

    Jen – Boy, to know I know those feelings! I do take great comfort in the fact that that last thing you read, you liked. It felt complicated to me, at least emotionally, and I knew there would be people who just wouldn’t recognize the depth. I knew you got it, and that made me feel much, much better! So thank you for that! I’ll have to listen to the words to that song. Usually, with Linkin Park, I just absorb the music.

    Vix – Thanks for the compliment. And you gotta know that even words that might seem trite, aren’t when the reader knows that the writer means the sentiment behind them. I know your heart so you could never say anything that would seem trite to me. 🙂

    TSM – We all have those days. You don’t even have to be creative in nature to feel the pull of the dark forces that make us question ourselves. And the truth of the matter is, even though we sometimes feel alone, none of is really is. We all suffer the human condition together.

    SG – Sometimes when others don’t “get” your writing, it’s because you need to step back from it and look at it with new eyes. Maybe there is something in there that you as the writer know but isn’t articulated well enough for the reader to get. Sometimes the reader doesn’t “get” your writing, because they just don’t. They don’t have it in them to understand the motivations of the characters, regardless of whether you clearly stated them or not. You shouldn’t let it always discourage you. Writing is a craft, and you gotta keep at it, keep honing it and molding it. Thanks for coming by and commenting!

    UMB – I’m so glad you like my poetry! I have one I should send you and let you and Jester put it to music. It’s called Silver Queen and it’s meant to be a song. Creativity is a hard taskmistress, that is for sure. She shines her light on you one day and the next she’s using you as a sub. LOL

  15. Your poetry is beautiful! I know how you feel. Creativity waxes and wanes, and the wanes can be very painful and confusing.

    UnkeyMonkey Michaels last blog post..Very Special Thanks to Paul and Hilly!

  16. Your poetry is beautiful! I know how you feel. Creativity waxes and wanes, and the wanes can be very painful and confusing.

    UnkeyMonkey Michaels last blog post..Very Special Thanks to Paul and Hilly!

  17. SuvvyGirl says:

    Hello! Haven’t commented on here before but I’m also neferteris24 from The Bar. I understand what you mean about writing and not seeming to be getting the point accross. There’s so many times where I feel that I’ve written one of my best pieces only to discover otherwise through other people. It is slightly disheartening.

    SuvvyGirls last blog post..

  18. SuvvyGirl says:

    Hello! Haven’t commented on here before but I’m also neferteris24 from The Bar. I understand what you mean about writing and not seeming to be getting the point accross. There’s so many times where I feel that I’ve written one of my best pieces only to discover otherwise through other people. It is slightly disheartening.

    SuvvyGirls last blog post..

  19. TSM says:

    While my Wednesday is most decidedly NOT sigh-free, it is so very helpful to find myself not alone in my feelings of inadequacy, but joined with others whose merits I cannot even begin to number. This gives me hope. If you feel this way about you, perhaps there is hope for me, after all.

    Happy Wednesday.

    TSMs last blog post..The Good…the Bad…the Resigned.

  20. TSM says:

    While my Wednesday is most decidedly NOT sigh-free, it is so very helpful to find myself not alone in my feelings of inadequacy, but joined with others whose merits I cannot even begin to number. This gives me hope. If you feel this way about you, perhaps there is hope for me, after all.

    Happy Wednesday.

    TSMs last blog post..The Good…the Bad…the Resigned.

  21. Vixen says:

    I enjoyed your poems. *Sigh* Everything I want to say just sounds trite (and maybe that isn’t even the right word). I am not a writer, but I do create (just with my hands instead) and I just want to say (in my opinion) creative output is always most rewarding when it is done for yourself first and foremost. Take the good feelings you get inside and keep them. That is art. Everything else is just the superfluous.

  22. Vixen says:

    I enjoyed your poems. *Sigh* Everything I want to say just sounds trite (and maybe that isn’t even the right word). I am not a writer, but I do create (just with my hands instead) and I just want to say (in my opinion) creative output is always most rewarding when it is done for yourself first and foremost. Take the good feelings you get inside and keep them. That is art. Everything else is just the superfluous.

  23. Well, as one who got edits back from a short story and started thinking maybe I really DO suck and no one is telling me, I can relate.
    One of the songs I love is “Bleed It Out” by Linkin Park. Why? Because it’s about sending creative work into the universe and no one listening. Because it’s about angsting and bleeding for something–a song, a poem, a story-and having the rest of the world ignore it.
    I feel that way a lot. It’s normal, so I’m told by other authors.
    Hang in there and know that I’ve LOVED the bits of writing I’ve gotten to see.

  24. Well, as one who got edits back from a short story and started thinking maybe I really DO suck and no one is telling me, I can relate.
    One of the songs I love is “Bleed It Out” by Linkin Park. Why? Because it’s about sending creative work into the universe and no one listening. Because it’s about angsting and bleeding for something–a song, a poem, a story-and having the rest of the world ignore it.
    I feel that way a lot. It’s normal, so I’m told by other authors.
    Hang in there and know that I’ve LOVED the bits of writing I’ve gotten to see.

  25. MaryO says:

    Win you do express yourself quite well with your writing. Out of all of us you could proably get the best deal for a book. Dont get me wrong Shiny can write to but yours has a depth to it. IF others cant see that it is their misfortune.
    Now pick up those boobs and get happy Bitch!!!

  26. MaryO says:

    Win you do express yourself quite well with your writing. Out of all of us you could proably get the best deal for a book. Dont get me wrong Shiny can write to but yours has a depth to it. IF others cant see that it is their misfortune.
    Now pick up those boobs and get happy Bitch!!!