Alone

I’m beyond pissed off at someone who is staying in my house at the moment. I cannot do anything right now, I am so pissed off. I cannot go off on this person either. He has a heart condition, and he’s a bonehead. He’s been a bonehead most of my adult life. Saying something will get me absolutely nowhere. And I’ll feel guilty later if I yell at him. I mean, his kids don’t do jack for him. I guess I feel a little resentful because I supported him for a few years. A few years when I didn’t have the money to. I lost everything I owned because I was supporting more people than I could afford to.

He’s here “visiting”. That really means he has nowhere to go and no money until his Social Security check hits the bank Monday. I was hoping that then he would go back to Seattle, but apparently, he’s not quite ready to go yet. It might be another couple of weeks… I hope I survive that long.

For the 2 weeks he’s been here I’ve barely turned on my TV because he has to have the TV on in the living room. I can’t afford an inflated electricity bill so I leave my TV off. He has all kinds of lights on because his vision is bad. He has poor marksmanship in the bathroom. He cooks and leaves food out all day and night. All of which wouldn’t be so bad if he would just CLEAN UP AFTER HIMSELF!

I’m so angry right now, I’m crying. My brand new manicure is messed up from cleaning the stove because he couldn’t clean up from the stuff he cooked yesterday and the day before. And then he roasted a chicken and baked on all the crap he spilled on the stove yesterday.

Tomorrow, I’m going to the company picnic… ALONE. That’s right. I’m not taking my brother. I’m not taking anyone. I am NOT good company right now. And the worst thing of all… this stupid shit makes me feel very alone. I put a good face on it for those around me and for those I’m talking to on IM, but the fact of the matter is… I am alone and I FEEL alone.

This is why I need my characters, and why I’ve been rather irritated that I couldn’t write them. They are never too busy playing online or going to the mall to have time for me. It’s just imaginary time… but still, they never leave me alone. I can always turn to them and lose myself in them. I don’t feel inferior with them. I don’t feel like a wallflower or the unpopular girl or the bitch with them. They hear me. They listen to me. Okay, maybe the guys flirt with me too. HEH. I mean, if they don’t, who will?

Maybe it’s a horrible selfish whiny ass woe is me pack of bullshit fed by where I work, but a lot of the time, I wonder how long anyone would miss me if I died. And ya know, even though it is a stupid whiny feeling sorry for myself thing, I think I’m entitled to a few of those a year, wouldn’t you think? I’m responsible the rest of the time after all.

Sheesh. I’m already regretting what I’ve ranted. I guess, it’s not just the alone. I think… I think I’m lonely too. I can’t remember the last time I really felt lonely. I talk on IM and in email and on boards and to people at work… all the time. But for some reason, I think I feel lonely. It’s kinda weird. I haven’t had this feeling in a very long time. I’m no Pollyanna, but I always spring back from every bad mood I have. I guess I will from this one too. It’s just that I can’t remember the last time I felt like one of those movie tricks where someone is standing still and there is all kinds of activity that goes on around them in a blur because they filmed it in slow motion. All these conversations going on around me, on Twitter, in IM, email, boards, in the office, in my house… and I’m just not feeling connected. Weird.

I’m going to bed. Maybe my characters will talk to me. Motley was nice to me on the phone just now. She’s gonna help me get my hair really straight tomorrow morning for the picnic. That’s nice of her. Although… she still needs to take out the trash. HEH.

Wishing you a non-lonely Sunday!

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0 Responses to Alone

  1. U-vonne says:

    I understand and have felt that brand of alone and lonely. For some of us the “ACT” is all that keeps away the despondency and the crying jags that just cause headaches and never help. I’m glad you have a place to put your thoughts and I salute the bravery required to be open and honest.

  2. U-vonne says:

    I understand and have felt that brand of alone and lonely. For some of us the “ACT” is all that keeps away the despondency and the crying jags that just cause headaches and never help. I’m glad you have a place to put your thoughts and I salute the bravery required to be open and honest.

  3. Shiny Gal says:

    For some reason, I missed this blog. I would’ve replied sooner had I read it when you posted it. Anyways, if I were there, first thing I’d do is give you a big big hug! Then we’d go out and get our nails done, well, yours re-done. We’d hit the nearest strip joint and ogle the male strippers and get drunk off our asses. I think that would be fun, don’t you? 🙂 🙂 🙂 Okay, okay…so I’m trying to cheer you up with some good thoughts. I do however, wish there was some way I could make things a little brighter for you. Only thing I can say is that I’ll always be here for ya chicky! 🙂 And you’re surrounded by many many friends, friends who care a lot about you. (((hugs)))

  4. Shiny Gal says:

    For some reason, I missed this blog. I would’ve replied sooner had I read it when you posted it. Anyways, if I were there, first thing I’d do is give you a big big hug! Then we’d go out and get our nails done, well, yours re-done. We’d hit the nearest strip joint and ogle the male strippers and get drunk off our asses. I think that would be fun, don’t you? 🙂 🙂 🙂 Okay, okay…so I’m trying to cheer you up with some good thoughts. I do however, wish there was some way I could make things a little brighter for you. Only thing I can say is that I’ll always be here for ya chicky! 🙂 And you’re surrounded by many many friends, friends who care a lot about you. (((hugs)))

  5. Karl says:

    Could always be worse. I just saw on CNN how a rattlesnake wound up in someone’s kitchen in San Diego. Then again, maybe if you got a rattlesnake you’d get rid of your guest.

    Karls last blog post..100 Things About Karl, Part Eight

  6. Karl says:

    Could always be worse. I just saw on CNN how a rattlesnake wound up in someone’s kitchen in San Diego. Then again, maybe if you got a rattlesnake you’d get rid of your guest.

    Karls last blog post..100 Things About Karl, Part Eight

  7. Winter says:

    Renee – The characters always pick me up. I got into Lex on Sunday night and it was a huge help!

    Mary – You always know how I feel!

    Susan – Thanks for the hug. Monday is looking better.

    Debby – Thanks for letting me know you read! I’ve known David for most of life (if you’re counting years lol) and he’s one of those people who is always good about cheering you when you’re “in a mood”. LOL

    Jennifer – I guess I have more space issues than I thought. LOL Good to know I’m not alone.

    Jason – I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything. I laughed my ass off at your comment.

  8. Winter says:

    Renee – The characters always pick me up. I got into Lex on Sunday night and it was a huge help!

    Mary – You always know how I feel!

    Susan – Thanks for the hug. Monday is looking better.

    Debby – Thanks for letting me know you read! I’ve known David for most of life (if you’re counting years lol) and he’s one of those people who is always good about cheering you when you’re “in a mood”. LOL

    Jennifer – I guess I have more space issues than I thought. LOL Good to know I’m not alone.

    Jason – I’m glad I wasn’t drinking anything. I laughed my ass off at your comment.

  9. Jason X says:

    Drop a credenza on his head. That’s how I get rid of people…

    Jason Xs last blog post..Blair Does Not Miss Me

  10. Jason X says:

    Drop a credenza on his head. That’s how I get rid of people…

    Jason Xs last blog post..Blair Does Not Miss Me

  11. Lonely is a feeling. I’m so sorry you’re feeling it right now.
    People living in my space make me nuts. It’s a given. My space–they’re in it. Problem. LOL.
    Hang in there.

  12. Lonely is a feeling. I’m so sorry you’re feeling it right now.
    People living in my space make me nuts. It’s a given. My space–they’re in it. Problem. LOL.
    Hang in there.

  13. Debby says:

    I read your blogs b/c you are friends with my uncle and today reading it made me feel normal. When I have these feelings, I always thought I was the only one! So I guess I want to thank you for making me feel “normal”

    David’s Cousin Niecey

  14. Debby says:

    I read your blogs b/c you are friends with my uncle and today reading it made me feel normal. When I have these feelings, I always thought I was the only one! So I guess I want to thank you for making me feel “normal”

    David’s Cousin Niecey

  15. Oh, babe. Hugs. I know these feelings. Hang with the fictional crowd for as long as you need to. And remember, you’re doing an amazing thing, letting this guy crash with you.

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Giving you… some excerpts

  16. Oh, babe. Hugs. I know these feelings. Hang with the fictional crowd for as long as you need to. And remember, you’re doing an amazing thing, letting this guy crash with you.

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Giving you… some excerpts

  17. MaryO says:

    Winter if I was there I would go with you, even if you are bad company. Better than no company at all.
    I feel that way to sometimes. Even when Derek is here I just want more adult company. You can only hang around the little ones so long.
    Keep your head up girl. It will get better. Put an eviction notice on his ass and than go fix your nails. I know you will feel better.

  18. MaryO says:

    Winter if I was there I would go with you, even if you are bad company. Better than no company at all.
    I feel that way to sometimes. Even when Derek is here I just want more adult company. You can only hang around the little ones so long.
    Keep your head up girl. It will get better. Put an eviction notice on his ass and than go fix your nails. I know you will feel better.

  19. Renee says:

    I’m sorry your visitor seems to be wreaking havoc on your life right now. I don’t know the situation, but hopefully it will be a temporary one and not extend any longer than it needs to be.

    I completely relate to getting lost in characters. I haven’t done any real writing in some time now, but when I was a teenager writing was pretty much the only thing that kept me alive. I needed the characters I created. I feel myself coming to a point in my life where I might need them again.

    Wishing you a non-lonely Sunday as well!

  20. Renee says:

    I’m sorry your visitor seems to be wreaking havoc on your life right now. I don’t know the situation, but hopefully it will be a temporary one and not extend any longer than it needs to be.

    I completely relate to getting lost in characters. I haven’t done any real writing in some time now, but when I was a teenager writing was pretty much the only thing that kept me alive. I needed the characters I created. I feel myself coming to a point in my life where I might need them again.

    Wishing you a non-lonely Sunday as well!