Tuesday Truth

Earlier tonight I decided what my post would be about for Tuesday. Then I got caught up in all the blogs about TC08. (Oh, and one disclaimer before I really get started – It’s not a big pimpin’ Friday and I’m tired so I’m not gonna link all the names I drop. Most of them are in my blogroll and most of them you already visit anyway.) I checked out that Uppercase Woman blog. Several things struck me about her post, but the one thing I seriously took away with me from her blog was this – I’m not an uppercase woman. Every time I type the letter “I”, I have to backspace. i am clearly a lower case woman.

Mr. Shiny and Hilly beat me to the punch with confessions, which isn’t surprising at all. I come late to things except work and appointments. I came late to blogging, only having begun in January of this year. The internet has always been a safe haven for me. I can be all the things that Life won’t let me be in the realm known as RL. Here, on the net, I can be a person who has strength and humor, who is fearless and fun. It’s funny to find that when you’re almost half a century old, that you are still the wallflower that you were at 18, 25, 37, and 46. I know that, faced with all of you in the realm of RL, I would either say totally the wrong thing, say nothing at all, or try too fucking hard to fit in. Because the truth of the matter is that I fit nowhere. Not even inside my own skin.

My truths are not as painful as they once were. I guess the passage of years is good for something, if only to dull the edge of the pain. Venues such as blogs are my medium. I am a writer. I’ve been one from the moment I could hold a pencil and string words together. Writing is my way of expressing myself because Lord knows, I do a really shitty job of it when I open my mouth. I don’t tell my child often enough that I love her. Yet, it’s very easy for me to rail at her and make her feel bad because she won’t take out the trash. And I know, if she wasn’t here… I would be truly alone. There is a comfort in the fact that she is typing away in IM in the next room. If I died in my bed tonight, she might not know until tomorrow morning, but at least I wouldn’t be dead in my bed for weeks with no one to find me. And I’d like to think that she would miss me the way I miss my mom and dad.

I am trapped by a wealth of fears that I can escape only when I write. When Adam wrote that he spent two thousand dollars going to TequilaCon, I realized I would truly never be able to go. I couldn’t string together $200 let alone ten times that. I have a job that doesn’t have any room for growth. I have a degree that’s not quite finished, so another, better job would be a stretch. I make a measly $40K a year (and no that’s not a slam against the company I work for, but more of a testimony to my lack of earning power) and live paycheck to paycheck to put a roof over our heads. We have been homeless countless times over the past 10 years. My credit is wrecked and so is whatever self esteem and hope I had at 18. Except when I write.

Putting the words here to make you feel what i feel is all I know how to do. I do it here, and at the Bar. Now I’ve submitted my 6K words to the Pink Chair Diaries, so maybe my words will reach another audience. Still, even though I want to meet all of you, feel a huge yen to meet you… if I did meet you, I wouldn’t know what to say, or would say something heinously stupid. My mouth cannot string words together the way my fingers can here in this medium. i am afraid to meet even one of you. Here, you like me. IRL, maybe you won’t.

So my Tuesday Truth is this, even if i had the money to come and meet you, i might not. Even David from BellaDaddyBlog, whom I have known for 30 years, and whom I will always love… I’m afraid to leave my hidey hole to see him. I have failed on so many levels as a person that I am afraid to try to make friends with someone only to fail at yet another thing.

So here I sit with my words. Cold comfort, I hear someone murmur. Yes. Sometimes they are, but in the end they are all I have to show you who i am. Because if I do manage to meet you, you’ll probably have a hard time making out those words, as I mumble them around my size 9 foot that will more than likely end up stuffed in my mouth.

Facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedintumblrmail
Tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

0 Responses to Tuesday Truth

  1. Winter says:

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, baby.

    Fabby, I would love to meet you. If you come out here, we’ll go have margys.

    Winters last blog post..Thursday Thirteen the Thirteenth

  2. Winter says:

    The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, baby.

    Fabby, I would love to meet you. If you come out here, we’ll go have margys.

    Winters last blog post..Thursday Thirteen the Thirteenth

  3. Motley says:

    Psh, we’re too alike. I don’t like meeting people for the first time, it’s awkward and I always feel like I’m gonna say the wrong thing. And I usually do. xD But you’re smarter than me, so I doubt you’d really have that problem. =]

    I love you momma. <3

    Motleys last blog post..Whoa, nekkid!

  4. Motley says:

    Psh, we’re too alike. I don’t like meeting people for the first time, it’s awkward and I always feel like I’m gonna say the wrong thing. And I usually do. xD But you’re smarter than me, so I doubt you’d really have that problem. =]

    I love you momma. <3

    Motleys last blog post..Whoa, nekkid!

  5. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Trust me. The first couple times I met bloggers I was a trifle nervous beforehand. As soon as I met them, it went away.

    And it never has reappeared.

    I CRAVE meeting new bloggers now. If need be, I will hunt you down and visit YOU.

    Mr. Fabulouss last blog post..God is wise

  6. Mr. Fabulous says:

    Trust me. The first couple times I met bloggers I was a trifle nervous beforehand. As soon as I met them, it went away.

    And it never has reappeared.

    I CRAVE meeting new bloggers now. If need be, I will hunt you down and visit YOU.

    Mr. Fabulouss last blog post..God is wise

  7. Pingback: Immuno-(im?)(de?)(sup?)pressed » Blog Archive » Unhappy Lately (The Update)

  8. Pingback: Immuno-(im?)(de?)(sup?)pressed » Blog Archive » Unhappy Lately (The Update)

  9. Winter says:

    Mary – I gots a hug for you right here! Bring it on, my bitch! I think I still know how to hold a baby…

    Winters last blog post..Tuesday Truth

  10. Winter says:

    Mary – I gots a hug for you right here! Bring it on, my bitch! I think I still know how to hold a baby…

    Winters last blog post..Tuesday Truth

  11. Winter says:

    Othurme – Money is the root of all my failures I think. I cannot attract the stuff no matter how hard I work. It’s a huge barrier for me because I am, quite literally, less than a paycheck from being in the street. If my car needs anything, if a tooth needs a crown… I am screwed. Usually, I can work up my courage to meet people as long it doesn’t require me leaving my neighborhood because then, the price of gas or some other small ass thing will stop me because I don’t have the $10 to do it.

    Jester – Are you telling me to Crank Yank you?

    Adam – I knew that about the money, but as an illustration, you worked very well. 😉 I still couldn’t cough up a plane ticket, even to Sac.

    Susan – The source of any strength I have is rooted in the fact that I’ve learned (and try to live) the whole “don’t sweat the things you can’t change or control”. Plus, there are worse things in life than where I am right now… I know because I’ve already been in those places. I try to remember what it was like then, when things get rough now.

    Marty – One of the reasons I don’t drink much now is because I know I used to use it as a crutch around others. I just have to be me even if that means I’m stone cold sober propping up a dark corner while others laugh and have fun.

    Matt – I think about giving up ALL the time. But I always bounce back from it. I am never perpetually down even though I am down a lot, especially when I’m down to the last $5 in the bank account. I guess I’m really somewhere between broke and poor.

    Thanks for all your words of encouragement. You’re all such wonderful people. I have to say that here because if I ever meet you, I’ll have that foot problem so you might not understand the words. 😉

    BTW – Thanks to Opalgirl (Jen) from the Bar for the song. It fit Tarren, it fits me, and I love it. You’ve turned me into a Hazelnut too.

  12. Winter says:

    Othurme – Money is the root of all my failures I think. I cannot attract the stuff no matter how hard I work. It’s a huge barrier for me because I am, quite literally, less than a paycheck from being in the street. If my car needs anything, if a tooth needs a crown… I am screwed. Usually, I can work up my courage to meet people as long it doesn’t require me leaving my neighborhood because then, the price of gas or some other small ass thing will stop me because I don’t have the $10 to do it.

    Jester – Are you telling me to Crank Yank you?

    Adam – I knew that about the money, but as an illustration, you worked very well. 😉 I still couldn’t cough up a plane ticket, even to Sac.

    Susan – The source of any strength I have is rooted in the fact that I’ve learned (and try to live) the whole “don’t sweat the things you can’t change or control”. Plus, there are worse things in life than where I am right now… I know because I’ve already been in those places. I try to remember what it was like then, when things get rough now.

    Marty – One of the reasons I don’t drink much now is because I know I used to use it as a crutch around others. I just have to be me even if that means I’m stone cold sober propping up a dark corner while others laugh and have fun.

    Matt – I think about giving up ALL the time. But I always bounce back from it. I am never perpetually down even though I am down a lot, especially when I’m down to the last $5 in the bank account. I guess I’m really somewhere between broke and poor.

    Thanks for all your words of encouragement. You’re all such wonderful people. I have to say that here because if I ever meet you, I’ll have that foot problem so you might not understand the words. 😉

    BTW – Thanks to Opalgirl (Jen) from the Bar for the song. It fit Tarren, it fits me, and I love it. You’ve turned me into a Hazelnut too.

  13. MaryO says:

    Hey I got a size 12 shoe and usually get it stuck in my mouth once a day. It is with the truth and pisses people off real quick. But hey at least they know what I think of them or the situation.
    The hubbie wants to go to Cali again to visit his dad within the next year so you better be ready for me and my brood to invade. If you can get through us you can get through anything. I am telling you this so you have plenty of time to get ready for it.

  14. MaryO says:

    Hey I got a size 12 shoe and usually get it stuck in my mouth once a day. It is with the truth and pisses people off real quick. But hey at least they know what I think of them or the situation.
    The hubbie wants to go to Cali again to visit his dad within the next year so you better be ready for me and my brood to invade. If you can get through us you can get through anything. I am telling you this so you have plenty of time to get ready for it.

  15. Matt-Man says:

    I have many of the same financial owes as you. I gave up many material things to do what I wanted to do before I got too old.

    Keep in mind, there is a big deal bewteen broke and poor.

    Broke means money is tight, and poor means that you don’t have much in life and think about giving up.

    I may not be the richest guy in the world, but I am not poor.

    And I know, and you should know, that neither are you. Cheers Winter!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Blog-Fo-Mercial: Pessimists Need Love Too

  16. Matt-Man says:

    I have many of the same financial owes as you. I gave up many material things to do what I wanted to do before I got too old.

    Keep in mind, there is a big deal bewteen broke and poor.

    Broke means money is tight, and poor means that you don’t have much in life and think about giving up.

    I may not be the richest guy in the world, but I am not poor.

    And I know, and you should know, that neither are you. Cheers Winter!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Blog-Fo-Mercial: Pessimists Need Love Too

  17. martymankins says:

    You have a great way of putting words together to bring out the emotion, the feelings, the yearning.

    You mentioned being a wallflower. I was one for years, and still am to some degree. But for some reason, at various social events, I find myself connecting with those around me. And I can even be sober for it to happen, too.

    I’m hoping that at some point, all of us in this blogger community can meet in person. While we share thoughts and stories on our pages, it’s that face to face meeting that brings out so much more.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #3

  18. martymankins says:

    You have a great way of putting words together to bring out the emotion, the feelings, the yearning.

    You mentioned being a wallflower. I was one for years, and still am to some degree. But for some reason, at various social events, I find myself connecting with those around me. And I can even be sober for it to happen, too.

    I’m hoping that at some point, all of us in this blogger community can meet in person. While we share thoughts and stories on our pages, it’s that face to face meeting that brings out so much more.

    martymankinss last blog post..Scooter Sunday #3

  19. This surprises me about you, Winter. You seem so strong, powerful, and in control.

    I didn’t expect to find a soul sister (although I’ll travel to meet people — if I’ve got a friend along as a security blanket). But then again, maybe that’s why I like you so much.

    (btw, did you get my e-mail?)

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Giving You… Lisa Jackson

  20. This surprises me about you, Winter. You seem so strong, powerful, and in control.

    I didn’t expect to find a soul sister (although I’ll travel to meet people — if I’ve got a friend along as a security blanket). But then again, maybe that’s why I like you so much.

    (btw, did you get my e-mail?)

    Susan Helene Gottfrieds last blog post..Giving You… Lisa Jackson

  21. Avitable says:

    The amount I spent was probably more than many of the bloggers combined. I refuse to share rooms, and I like suites, so I rented a suite instead of a little room. I used room service several times, paid for several amenities, including the water that’s in the room, bought dinner for four at a pricey restaurant, upgraded Britt and myself to business class each way of our trip, etc. Most people were able to do the trip for the cost of a flight and a discount hotel through Priceline.

    I think that meeting bloggers is something where if you start small, you can see how easy it is to get along with people that you read. You already know them, so you are already comfortable, which makes things much easier.

    Avitables last blog post..A man and his penis

  22. Avitable says:

    The amount I spent was probably more than many of the bloggers combined. I refuse to share rooms, and I like suites, so I rented a suite instead of a little room. I used room service several times, paid for several amenities, including the water that’s in the room, bought dinner for four at a pricey restaurant, upgraded Britt and myself to business class each way of our trip, etc. Most people were able to do the trip for the cost of a flight and a discount hotel through Priceline.

    I think that meeting bloggers is something where if you start small, you can see how easy it is to get along with people that you read. You already know them, so you are already comfortable, which makes things much easier.

    Avitables last blog post..A man and his penis

  23. jester says:

    Winter – There is a place for every “misfit toy.”

    Do you know what the common thread between every introverted and lonely person on the planet is? The idea they are the only person who is socially awkward or anxious. That fear that they will say or do the wrong things and be disliked. It’s a supreme irony.

    What I can promise you is that there is a large group of people who can and will accept you for exactly who you are.

    Most of them were at TequilaCon.

    Let’s figure out a time when we can do a mini version of TQC here in Cal.

    You’ve made a great first step in starting your blog and interacting on blogtalkradio and in comments. Soon enough, you’ll be downing shots with the rest of us misfits and forgetting that feeling of being alone.

    I’ll be in the broken jack-in-the-box.

    I dare you to turn my crank!

    jesters last blog post..Aah, Irony

  24. jester says:

    Winter – There is a place for every “misfit toy.”

    Do you know what the common thread between every introverted and lonely person on the planet is? The idea they are the only person who is socially awkward or anxious. That fear that they will say or do the wrong things and be disliked. It’s a supreme irony.

    What I can promise you is that there is a large group of people who can and will accept you for exactly who you are.

    Most of them were at TequilaCon.

    Let’s figure out a time when we can do a mini version of TQC here in Cal.

    You’ve made a great first step in starting your blog and interacting on blogtalkradio and in comments. Soon enough, you’ll be downing shots with the rest of us misfits and forgetting that feeling of being alone.

    I’ll be in the broken jack-in-the-box.

    I dare you to turn my crank!

    jesters last blog post..Aah, Irony

  25. othurme says:

    When you find the courage to go, the money will not be a barrier at all. There are cheaper ways to travel. Don’t make that the frontline excuse for your real barrier.

    othurmes last blog post..Strange, Strange Sunday

  26. othurme says:

    When you find the courage to go, the money will not be a barrier at all. There are cheaper ways to travel. Don’t make that the frontline excuse for your real barrier.

    othurmes last blog post..Strange, Strange Sunday