Am I Dreaming?

It looks good. So good I’m black and blue. From pinching myself, ya know. Jester is the coolest dude ever. Even if he isn’t the token gay on my blogroll. That’s David from BellyDaddy. Heh. Jester would be my token WP guru. Like the Absurdist, I overpaid him. But that’s because he needs lessons from William Shatner. He’s not very good at this negotiating thing. I’m poor, but even I can afford Jester! Wait. That didn’t come out right. I wonder if UMB is gonna come after me now? Hee hee.

So the dreaming thing is twofold today. First of all, there’s the new house here and the pinching thing. Second, I had my first dream about a blogger and it wasn’t about Fab or Dave. It was about Matt-Man! I’ll get to the dream in a moment. The third thing, is about why I have to go to work today. I keep asking myself, “Am I dreaming? This is nuts. I’m actually going to the office on a Saturday, after I spent two mornings this week at home recharging my batteries?”

Now, I’m gonna be all pooped out again. Check out the Spewage site later today for deets on why I’m going to work today. It’s nothing bad about the company I work for, but I’d rather say this in private. If you don’t know about Spewage, email me.

My Matt-Man dream began with the PITA and I at a Sonic or In-N-Out type burger place. We were devouring mass quantities of yummy hamburgers oozing with cheese and sauce and grease. Matt comes up and sits down next to us. He’s got a cigarette hanging from his mouth (in the restaurant even! gasp!), and he’s wearing jean shorts and a t-shirt and sunglasses. He sticks out one leg and turns it so we can see the back of it. There’s this huge bruise there. The PITA and I gasp.

“What the hell happened to you?” I ask him.

He makes a typical man sound, that half grunt, half disgusted, half “I don’t know how I get myself in these situations” kind of sound. Then he says, “I should have Fab’s tagline. Some bozo tried to kill me.”

The PITA frowns, while munching french fries. “Why would someone want to kill you? Your sense of humor isn’t THAT bad.”

Matt shrugs. “He said his wife was a blogger. She fell in love with my Half Nekkid Thursday pics. He called me a homewrecker.”

The PITA and I look at each other with wide eyes. “Well, how did he try to kill you? Maybe it was some kind of mistake,” I say, not wanting to think that someone would really try to kill Matt.

Matt shakes his head, and ash falls from his cigarette. “I don’t think there was any kind of mistake. He came right at me, his little old Volkswagen rattletrap bug shaking like it had never seen 30 mph before. He was screaming ‘Matt-Man must die!’ out the window.” Matt shrugs again. “He was trying to kill me.”

“Woah,” the PITA murmurs reverently, reaching for her strawberry shake. “Killed for your blog. What a headline.”

Matt stands up and puts out his cigarette on the fomica table top. He rolls his shoulders and looks at the big black bruise on the back of his leg. “It’s a good thing that guy drives an ancient Volkswagen instead of an Escalade or I’d be bumming smokes off of James Dean.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “I’ll catch you all later. I’ve gotta put together my next HNT. I was thinking of having my pic taken on a bulldozer while wearing only my boxers. Just to sort of solidify my position as a homewrecker. Cheers!”

And then he was gone. The PITA looks at me and I tell her, “The things people will do for their blog.”

My daughter snorts. “Not just the blog, Mom. I would totally do some girl in front of Dave for a pack of his playing cards.”

Then I woke up. It was quiet in my house. But I could have sworn I smelled In-N-Out burgers in my bedroom.

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0 Responses to Am I Dreaming?

  1. jester says:

    If I lived across the street from an In and Out and a Krispy Kreme I’d weigh eleventy-million pounds.

    Put a Sonic in there and you may as well just bury me in a vat of my own ass fat.

    I’m ok not being the token gay. It’s a good change of pace.

  2. jester says:

    If I lived across the street from an In and Out and a Krispy Kreme I’d weigh eleventy-million pounds.

    Put a Sonic in there and you may as well just bury me in a vat of my own ass fat.

    I’m ok not being the token gay. It’s a good change of pace.

  3. Matt-Man says:

    Ha. I love the idea of the Boxers/Bulldozer picture. I may have to make that happen. Cheers Winter, and I’ll put your new link on my site as soon as I can. Cheers!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Treasure Hunt

  4. Matt-Man says:

    Ha. I love the idea of the Boxers/Bulldozer picture. I may have to make that happen. Cheers Winter, and I’ll put your new link on my site as soon as I can. Cheers!!

    Matt-Mans last blog post..Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Treasure Hunt

  5. MaryO says:

    Ok that is a little out there with the smell. Going to have to send me the spewage. You know how to get ahold of me.

  6. MaryO says:

    Ok that is a little out there with the smell. Going to have to send me the spewage. You know how to get ahold of me.

  7. Motley says:

    Mom, who said I WOULDN’T do a girl for a pack of those playing cards??

    Motleys last blog post..Proof

  8. Motley says:

    Mom, who said I WOULDN’T do a girl for a pack of those playing cards??

    Motleys last blog post..Proof

  9. Winter says:

    Marty – Me too! I might have to get me one today even if I have to drive 8 miles for it. Grr.

    Lady Rose – Thanks so much!

    Jason – The closest Sonic to Magic Mountain is Bakersfield. LOL They have like 8 of them! The closest one to me is Anaheim, but the In-N-Out is closer. And I used to live across the street from one. I could smell the Double Doubles all day long. Well, those and the Krispy Kremes. Both were spitting distance from the condo complex where I lived.

  10. Winter says:

    Marty – Me too! I might have to get me one today even if I have to drive 8 miles for it. Grr.

    Lady Rose – Thanks so much!

    Jason – The closest Sonic to Magic Mountain is Bakersfield. LOL They have like 8 of them! The closest one to me is Anaheim, but the In-N-Out is closer. And I used to live across the street from one. I could smell the Double Doubles all day long. Well, those and the Krispy Kremes. Both were spitting distance from the condo complex where I lived.

  11. Jason X says:

    Sonic? I see ads for this place all the time but I have yet to ever find one in Los Angeles. I’m pretty sure it was In-and-Out, not Sonic.

    Jason Xs last blog post..Conklin’s Dead Slutty Wife’s Evil Sister Fiona the Cunt

  12. Jason X says:

    Sonic? I see ads for this place all the time but I have yet to ever find one in Los Angeles. I’m pretty sure it was In-and-Out, not Sonic.

    Jason Xs last blog post..Conklin’s Dead Slutty Wife’s Evil Sister Fiona the Cunt

  13. Lady Rose says:

    Looks great! Sorry you have to work on the weekend

    Lady Roses last blog post..Tarot Reading for All

  14. Lady Rose says:

    Looks great! Sorry you have to work on the weekend

    Lady Roses last blog post..Tarot Reading for All

  15. martymankins says:

    Oh how I love In-N-Out Burger… double double with grilled onions. Good thing I had one less than a month ago, otherwise I’d be making a Vegas run for a fix. Utah gets it’s first In-N-Out soon…. it’s 4 hours from me, but that means they will be getting closer someday.

  16. martymankins says:

    Oh how I love In-N-Out Burger… double double with grilled onions. Good thing I had one less than a month ago, otherwise I’d be making a Vegas run for a fix. Utah gets it’s first In-N-Out soon…. it’s 4 hours from me, but that means they will be getting closer someday.